I Have To...

I have to write. I really mean it. Things have been happening around me, and I like none of them. I write this as the anchor to my sanity. I'm afraid that if I stop writing, I might not be able to know who I am.

Two days ago, one of my unknown relative passed away. And I could see the pain in my grand ma face, which trigger the pain in my heart.

A day after that, yesterday, my nanny (who's kinda like my second mother) lost her father. And again, I cried. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to except some of my friend. Even though I've talked to them, what I really need is a comforting hand that'll erase my tears, pat my head, and embrace me while I cry.

And those kind of people is nowhere around me right now.

Just to make it worse, my cousin has a high fever. He refused to see the doctor. Thanks to that, I could hardly sleep last night.

You might be wondering why on earth did I not write this post last night. Well, to be honest, last night, when I got the news about my nanny's father, I cried in silence since I slept next to my cousins. I keep crying and crying until I finally fell asleep without knowing it.


It hurts to see the tears from those whom you loved.
But it hurts even more when you know that you can't sit next to them to erase their tears and ease their pain.

Lots of Things Happened

Lots of things happened today. And when I said lots of things, I really mean it. From getting back from Lampung around one o'clock in the morning, ditching my aunt, getting yelled at, and the death from the unfamiliar relative.

To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.

Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.

And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.

Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...

So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.

First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.

And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.

So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.

Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.

When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.

The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?


Will I be able to survive?

Almost

Hiya... it's been a hile since my last post. I know. Blame me for that if you want, but I can't help it! Anyway, I'm currently "hijacking" my friend's PC in order to make this post. I just hope that she won't kill me for this.

Well... my school start on January 5th, so I still have some time to enjoy it. I was hoping that I can spend the new year eve in here and heading back to Jakarta on January 1st. But it turns out that the plane ticktet is pretty expensive in that day. So we take the ticket for December 31st. I was hoping that it was a midnight flight so I can spend the change of year up in the sky. Unfortunately, the flight is on 2pm. Just to be honest, I kinda regret that. But there's nothing I can do, right?

Anyway... I told a dearest friend of mine that I want feel the change of year up in the sky. I know that it sounds childish and I know that she'll laugh at me. But I won't mind because even she laugh at me, I know that she didn't mean it in the bad way.

Hmm... here I am now, making a plan about what to do in the new year eve and my plan for next year.