Showing posts with label Mess. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mess. Show all posts
Friday, May 4, 2012
Atashi wa Atashi Janai!
Dear stupid blog of mine,
I feel more insecure than before. And I don't like it at all. I just wish I could disappear. I know that I'll regret saying it in no time, but that's how I feel right now at this moment. I'm currently sitting in a lobby of some hotel in Sumedang. I'm currently joining the Kids Forum. I know that I should be happy for being able to make new friends and also meeting some old friends.
You know, it's kinda hard for me to keep wearing this stupid mask of mine. But when I was thinking to take it off, I realize that I, my self, did not know what lies beyond that mask. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that I am not me. That I don't know who I really am.
You know, maybe it's better for me to not know what lies beyond that mask. Because if I know what lies beyond it, I might ended up regretting my life. Cursing it and hoping that I was not born in to this world.
You know, I already realize that I'm desperate. People said that when you understand what happened to you, you'll be able to get a better life. Maybe it's kinda different for me. Although I already realize that I'm desperate, I still don't have a better life.
Pathetic is pathetic. Pathetic is my life, at least for now.
Signed,
_NZmrc_
(Owner of this stupid blog)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Maybe, just maybe, we're trying too hard.
I can't believe I say this but, thank God there isn't much people reading this stupid blog of mine that has been keeping me sane all these time.
Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.
Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.
Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.
That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.
Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.
Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.
Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.
Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.
Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.
Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.
That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.
Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.
Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.
Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Night Sky
Oct 3rd, 2011
I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.
I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
I...
I wish I was there with you...
So I could see your smile,
and hear your laugh...
I wish I could always be with you...
So I could wipe your tears,
and take away the pain...
If only I'm sitting by your side right now...
I would take your hand,
and tell you not to give up...
The reasons are simple...
You're my light,
you're my savior,
you're my angel,
you're my family,
and I love you...
So I could see your smile,
and hear your laugh...
I wish I could always be with you...
So I could wipe your tears,
and take away the pain...
If only I'm sitting by your side right now...
I would take your hand,
and tell you not to give up...
The reasons are simple...
You're my light,
you're my savior,
you're my angel,
you're my family,
and I love you...
Monday, June 27, 2011
Somewhere I Belong
People said that everyone belong to a place
A place where people called family gather
A place where you can hear laughter
A place that called home
If it's true, can you show me where I belong?
Can you show me who's my family?
Can you show me where's my family so I could hear their laugh?
Can you show me where's my home?
A place where people called family gather
A place where you can hear laughter
A place that called home
If it's true, can you show me where I belong?
Can you show me who's my family?
Can you show me where's my family so I could hear their laugh?
Can you show me where's my home?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
16 Years
16 years ago I was born,
16 years I've seen the world
16 years has passed,
But I haven't find the true happines
16 years old I am now,
The year where I have to be mature
16 years of laughing,
16 years of crying
16 years with joy and happiness,
16 years with pain and sadness
16 years of my live,
16 years of my story
16 years I've seen the world
16 years has passed,
But I haven't find the true happines
16 years old I am now,
The year where I have to be mature
16 years of laughing,
16 years of crying
16 years with joy and happiness,
16 years with pain and sadness
16 years of my live,
16 years of my story
Not-so-happy B'day
Yesterday there was some sort of farewell party in my school and I have to be the MC. So, I have to stay in school from 8 a.m. The party it self start at 5.30 p.m. Pretty tough, huh? Well the teacher allow me to go home for about 1 hour to prepare my self for the party. Knowing that my aunt place is way to far, I decided to go to my comic rent so I can take a bath.
Maybe it sounds kinda weird, but that's the truth. Well, since i'm a gamer, I didn't need a lot of time to take a bath and prepare my self. I think it only take around 15 minutes to do it. Since I still have around 45 minutes left, I decided to continue my game. For some people, playing game for 45 minutes may seems awkward. But as a gamer, 45 minutes will be a waste if you didn't use it to play.
Anyway, when the clock strike at 4 p.m. I have to head back to school. The party has not start yet, but I have to be there for a quick meeting.
When the party started, first thing that crossed in my mind is i'm dead. I'm so dead. That's because I have the whole stage for my self and I was way to nervous to think about what I should say. In other word, last night is really a mess. And the party that supposed to end at 9.30 p.m. somehow ended up at 10.30 p.m. It might be a mess, but somehow I enjoy it.
I'm tired and I didn't have enough sleep. And just to make it worse, my friend text me in the middle of the night.
I was starting to pissed of that time, but then when I read the text, that anger is gone. That's just a short text. Saying a happy b'day. At that time, all the bad things seems like nothing. All I could feel is a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. And even though I hate to be waken in the middle of the night, that one is really special.
Well, I have to be waken 4 times in a row for the same kind of message.
It's pretty obvious that I ain't got enough sleep cause when I wake up, my head is pounding pretty hard. But since I got a test, I have no choice except to in out there and live my life. Done with the test, i'm heading to my comic rent to play Kingdom Heart 2. I somehow manage to finish it before the sun set. But before I could celebrate it, my brother call and practically yelling at me to get to the hotel because my aunt want to celebrate my bday.
And after that, everything is practically ruin. Stripper's mom keep joking around about stuff. Saying that i'm not supposed to put that kind of face on my bday.
Like hell I would listen to her! How am I supposed to put an un-annoyed face when i'm annoyed! And she just way to dense to realize that she's the reason why I look so annoyed.
And that's conclude my not-so-happy bday!
Maybe it sounds kinda weird, but that's the truth. Well, since i'm a gamer, I didn't need a lot of time to take a bath and prepare my self. I think it only take around 15 minutes to do it. Since I still have around 45 minutes left, I decided to continue my game. For some people, playing game for 45 minutes may seems awkward. But as a gamer, 45 minutes will be a waste if you didn't use it to play.
Anyway, when the clock strike at 4 p.m. I have to head back to school. The party has not start yet, but I have to be there for a quick meeting.
When the party started, first thing that crossed in my mind is i'm dead. I'm so dead. That's because I have the whole stage for my self and I was way to nervous to think about what I should say. In other word, last night is really a mess. And the party that supposed to end at 9.30 p.m. somehow ended up at 10.30 p.m. It might be a mess, but somehow I enjoy it.
I'm tired and I didn't have enough sleep. And just to make it worse, my friend text me in the middle of the night.
I was starting to pissed of that time, but then when I read the text, that anger is gone. That's just a short text. Saying a happy b'day. At that time, all the bad things seems like nothing. All I could feel is a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. And even though I hate to be waken in the middle of the night, that one is really special.
Well, I have to be waken 4 times in a row for the same kind of message.
It's pretty obvious that I ain't got enough sleep cause when I wake up, my head is pounding pretty hard. But since I got a test, I have no choice except to in out there and live my life. Done with the test, i'm heading to my comic rent to play Kingdom Heart 2. I somehow manage to finish it before the sun set. But before I could celebrate it, my brother call and practically yelling at me to get to the hotel because my aunt want to celebrate my bday.
And after that, everything is practically ruin. Stripper's mom keep joking around about stuff. Saying that i'm not supposed to put that kind of face on my bday.
Like hell I would listen to her! How am I supposed to put an un-annoyed face when i'm annoyed! And she just way to dense to realize that she's the reason why I look so annoyed.
And that's conclude my not-so-happy bday!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Game is On!
Okay, I'm terribly sorry for not writing for such a long time. But before you decided to kill me or anything, I'll have to tell you about my reason. Okay, here's the story:
Two weeks ago, I was really stressed with the wall magazine competition (which we won, by the way) and the story that I'm working on. Well, since I have to finish the story before reaching the deadline, I was working on the story like a madman. And because of that, I kinda have to cut my connection with the world for a while. When the deadline is already in front of my eyes, I made one of the craziest decision in my live, I end the first part with a freakin' cliff hanger that everyone love and hate in the same time.
After a few days living with anxiety, the time to give a "brief" presentation about my story has finally come. Most of my friends who have done the presentation only have to spend around 20 minutes for the presentation and Q&A session with my teacher. But when it's time for my turn, I have to talk at least 20 to 25 minutes about the story and another 10-15 minutes for the Q&A session. And just to make it worse, in the middle of my presentation, the head master of my school came to that room. Then my tummy start rumbling. Not because of the presentation nor the head master, it's more because of my sensitive tummy. Anyway, after tortured around 45 minutes by my teacher, I ask my teacher about my score. And she told me that I could get a perfect score IF I gave her the second part of my story by the end of May.
Well...that's what happen. To be honest, I kinda doubt my self whether I could finished the story on time or not. Because I kinda run out of idea, and Usagi-nii is way too busy with his exam, and Eiko is WAYYYYYYY too far.
OH GAWD!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Two weeks ago, I was really stressed with the wall magazine competition (which we won, by the way) and the story that I'm working on. Well, since I have to finish the story before reaching the deadline, I was working on the story like a madman. And because of that, I kinda have to cut my connection with the world for a while. When the deadline is already in front of my eyes, I made one of the craziest decision in my live, I end the first part with a freakin' cliff hanger that everyone love and hate in the same time.
After a few days living with anxiety, the time to give a "brief" presentation about my story has finally come. Most of my friends who have done the presentation only have to spend around 20 minutes for the presentation and Q&A session with my teacher. But when it's time for my turn, I have to talk at least 20 to 25 minutes about the story and another 10-15 minutes for the Q&A session. And just to make it worse, in the middle of my presentation, the head master of my school came to that room. Then my tummy start rumbling. Not because of the presentation nor the head master, it's more because of my sensitive tummy. Anyway, after tortured around 45 minutes by my teacher, I ask my teacher about my score. And she told me that I could get a perfect score IF I gave her the second part of my story by the end of May.
Well...that's what happen. To be honest, I kinda doubt my self whether I could finished the story on time or not. Because I kinda run out of idea, and Usagi-nii is way too busy with his exam, and Eiko is WAYYYYYYY too far.
OH GAWD!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Midnight Show
It's already pass the midnight. But I still can't sleep. I got so many things in my mind.
My head hurts cuz I haven't got enough sleep lately. But I can't really have a good night sleep lately. I've been thinking about some stuffs that Garland said, the script that I should have wrote by now, and... about me coming back to Makassar.
I know that I'm supposed to be happy cuz I'm gonna meet my family, but... it's just... it'll never get easier for me to meet and join the crowd. I know that I cheer a lot, but that's only the surface. The truth is, I don't even know why I'm doing it.
I admit that I didn't really want to admit that. But hey! My blog have almost no reader at all, remember? I can't believe that I'm actually glad that no one would read this blog.
(Hey, hold on a sec! I'm supposed to feel desperate cuz no one reading this! I 'm not supposed to e glad! AARRRGGGHHH!!!! Whet kind of writer are you Naz?! You're idiot!!)
Anyway now I'm sitting in front of the computer wondering what to read. It sucks for a writer wannabe like me to run out of idea. God... I'm so pathetic! Life is not moving as well as I predict, but over all, it's pretty good, I guess?
My life is currently getting pretty tough. Tougher than before, at least. With no one to talk to, no books to be read and no internet connection, it's absolutely going tougher.
I can handle the lesson just fine, but I sometimes I just can't stand the pressure that I faced. It's not easy. And I bet it won't be easier since I'm gonna join the INAYS (Indonesian Young Scientist). I bet I'm gonna get a whole bunch of job. I wonder if I can finish them on time. And just to make it worse, I'm still have to work on a script for the assembly.
That doesn't sounds good to me. NOT AT ALL. I wonder if I can survive this challenge. I have no doubt that I'm gonna take the challenge, but I'm having doubt in finishing the homework and the other stuff.
And I also still wondering why they pick me, not the other student. They told me that I got the quality, but they didn't told me what is my quality. Believe it or not, I didn't even trust my self. I doubt my self. I doubt the quality that I got. I even doubt their decision!
I might not be able to find all the answer that I've been looking for all this time. But having more question to be answered is also not a really good thing for me now.
My heart aches for finding the answers of all the question that I have, but it seems like I won't find the answer soon.
My head hurts cuz I haven't got enough sleep lately. But I can't really have a good night sleep lately. I've been thinking about some stuffs that Garland said, the script that I should have wrote by now, and... about me coming back to Makassar.
I know that I'm supposed to be happy cuz I'm gonna meet my family, but... it's just... it'll never get easier for me to meet and join the crowd. I know that I cheer a lot, but that's only the surface. The truth is, I don't even know why I'm doing it.
I admit that I didn't really want to admit that. But hey! My blog have almost no reader at all, remember? I can't believe that I'm actually glad that no one would read this blog.
(Hey, hold on a sec! I'm supposed to feel desperate cuz no one reading this! I 'm not supposed to e glad! AARRRGGGHHH!!!! Whet kind of writer are you Naz?! You're idiot!!)
Anyway now I'm sitting in front of the computer wondering what to read. It sucks for a writer wannabe like me to run out of idea. God... I'm so pathetic! Life is not moving as well as I predict, but over all, it's pretty good, I guess?
My life is currently getting pretty tough. Tougher than before, at least. With no one to talk to, no books to be read and no internet connection, it's absolutely going tougher.
I can handle the lesson just fine, but I sometimes I just can't stand the pressure that I faced. It's not easy. And I bet it won't be easier since I'm gonna join the INAYS (Indonesian Young Scientist). I bet I'm gonna get a whole bunch of job. I wonder if I can finish them on time. And just to make it worse, I'm still have to work on a script for the assembly.
That doesn't sounds good to me. NOT AT ALL. I wonder if I can survive this challenge. I have no doubt that I'm gonna take the challenge, but I'm having doubt in finishing the homework and the other stuff.
And I also still wondering why they pick me, not the other student. They told me that I got the quality, but they didn't told me what is my quality. Believe it or not, I didn't even trust my self. I doubt my self. I doubt the quality that I got. I even doubt their decision!
I might not be able to find all the answer that I've been looking for all this time. But having more question to be answered is also not a really good thing for me now.
My heart aches for finding the answers of all the question that I have, but it seems like I won't find the answer soon.
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