An Orphan

You know, I have a dream to have an orphan house once i have enough money. You might wondering why on earth I have such a dream. It's pretty simple actually. It's because I'm lonely. It's just because of that. Although I still have my parents, I tend to feel like I don't have one. That I am practically alone in this world. Weird, huh? But one thing that I learned from that is being alone doesn't feel good. It feels cold and empty inside. It doesn't matter how hard you laugh or how bright your smile is, it means nothing when you don't have a family. Now that I'm almost 17, I understand a bit better about the world. Now, whenever I saw parents having fun with their kids, I could feel jealousy as well as pain in my heart. I'm jealous cause they could still enjoy their life like that, and the pain is because I could no longer feel that kind of warmth. Once I have enough money, I'll make an orphan house. So none of the kids will feel lonely. So I will not feel lonely again.

Atashi wa Atashi Janai!

Dear stupid blog of mine, I feel more insecure than before. And I don't like it at all. I just wish I could disappear. I know that I'll regret saying it in no time, but that's how I feel right now at this moment. I'm currently sitting in a lobby of some hotel in Sumedang. I'm currently joining the Kids Forum. I know that I should be happy for being able to make new friends and also meeting some old friends. You know, it's kinda hard for me to keep wearing this stupid mask of mine. But when I was thinking to take it off, I realize that I, my self, did not know what lies beyond that mask. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that I am not me. That I don't know who I really am. You know, maybe it's better for me to not know what lies beyond that mask. Because if I know what lies beyond it, I might ended up regretting my life. Cursing it and hoping that I was not born in to this world. You know, I already realize that I'm desperate. People said that when you understand what happened to you, you'll be able to get a better life. Maybe it's kinda different for me. Although I already realize that I'm desperate, I still don't have a better life. Pathetic is pathetic. Pathetic is my life, at least for now. Signed, _NZmrc_ (Owner of this stupid blog)

I REALLY Need to Say This

Well, I got back from Makassar yesterday. Flying to Jakarta then go straight to Bandung. But that's not the important part.

What really matter is what happened today.

So, yeah. I was way too lazy to go to school today, so I skipped it and decided to come after school to get some sort of tutoring for the research project.

When my tutoring is done, I, like most of the time, am starving. Deciding that some of my friends might order something to eat, I went up stair and it's a bingo.

They do have a bucket of fried chicken. After eating, we kinda have a little forum. In that forum, we discussed about stuffs that has been bothering us. Stuffs that have relations with our friends in school.

So one thing leads to another, we moved to my class since it's pretty dark right now. We continue our topic and have no problem at all.

When we decided it's dark enough and probably the time to go home, my friend turn of the light and one of them climbed the table and start talking.

About someone they met in the 10th grade. The first time they knew about this person is when he saw the picture that that person drew. Judging from that, they considered that person as someone who loves anime and comics, which turns out to be true.

Since that person is getting close to their best friend, they realize that that person is an easy going one and they enjoy being with that person.

Suddenly, they cut of their story and turn to me, asking, "will u go out with me?"

Surprised, shock, awkward, glad, and happy. That's what I felt that time. But I can't bring myself to say yes, knowing that I'll probably hurt him if I said that. Not because I didn't like that person, but more because I still can't understand myself. What I really want. I'm afraid, saying yes will only cause something that I'd regret.


I don't want to lose anyone anymore. Not again, not ever.

I Wish This Is All Just A Dream

You see, my uncle passed away yesterday. The day before, Friday, my father called me and we talked about some stuffs. At that time, he told me that our driver, which is more like an uncle to me, is hospitalized. I was shock and really sad. Right after we hanged up, I started to cry. I am not sure what happened but my chest feel so god damn thigh.

Yesterday, when I was in school, I called my nanny. After all, she's my uncle's wive. When I called her, I heard her crying in the other side. Since I can't stop my tears, I rushed to an empty class room and start crying as well. My nanny is my 2nd ma. She's always there when I need her.

We talked a little. Only a little since she has to take care of her husband. But at that time, she asked me to forgive her husband mistake if he has any. When I heard that, I cried even more. Because for me, he never made any mistake. I'm the one who made lots of mistake.

Later on that day, around 3 p.m., I was in the science lab with my teacher and some of my friends. We were the for the preparation of the open house. At that time, my father called. When I saw his name in the caller ID, I have a bad feeling. A real bad one. I am not sure how, but I knew that something is wrong. And I was right.

He's gone.

I'll never be able to see him ever again.


Today, I got a 6 o'clock flight to Makassar. I was sleeping through most of the flight. When I woke up, I kinda played with a baby next to me. I laugh and laugh. But when the plan landed, I stopped laughing. I finally remember why am I here. I could hardly hold my tears. But since I wear a hat, glasses, and I have a pretty long bangs, none realize that I cried.

As absurd as possible, I wish when I woke up tomorrow morning, it turns out that everything is just a dream. That he's not dead. That I came here only for vacation.

I'm Begging You

Jakarta, 25/02/2012 10:09 PM

Dear Lord,
I knew that you already know that I only have a little faith in you. But today, please allow me to ask you to do somethings. Please put him in heaven. Please protect his family. Please fill their live with joy and happiness. Please give them the strength to get through all of these. Please give them the courage to accept what's just happened.
I do realize that I have no right to ask for those things. But please. He's like a father and a brother for me. He's been helping me all these times. I would never be me if it's not because of him. I knew that there's nobody perfect in this world. I won't deny it. But without him, my live would be even more unperfect.
If I could still ask you, please give me the chance to talk to him for the one last time. Even it's only in a dream. I haven't ask for his forgiveness upon all the mistakes that I've done to him.
His daughter is probably way too young to understand this. Please give her the strength and courage to support her mother. And once she's grow up, please leave some of the memories of her father. Please don't make her forget all about him.

I'm begging you Lord,




_NZmrc_

This Feeling That I've Just Realize

"When two best friend talk, people tend to think that they talk in code."
That's what my friend Mikka told me.

My brother, Sylph, has just arrived from Jakarta. I can't say that I didn't miss him when he was away in his small trip. Anyway, I'm pretty glad that he's back now.

While we were having dinner, my ma called. Since I didn't have the chance to meet her personally in Jakarta, I talk to her cheerfully. Everything is okay, UNTIL he talked to her. And that time, I realized that I could understand nothing about what they were talking about.

And now that I realized that, it only make me feel even more lonelier than when he was away. Knowing that he could talk to her like two best friend in their own world really hurt me. Because I do realize that the world they're in at that time is the place where I could never ever get in.


Pathetic huh? Getting jealous to your own brother just because he's closer to your parents. But hey, that's the truth. It's sucks. Unable to understand them, to talk to them like the way he talked to them is really hurting me.

Sometimes I wish that... that he never exist. But if it's really do happen, I can't imagine how my parents gonna be. After all, he's always their favorite.

I'm Scared

There was a storm earlier today. The wind blowing really hard and the rain start wetting everything that it touch. Everyone look so damn uncomfortable. But me? I somehow feel comfortable. I kinda feel like this is the place where I belong. That fact kinda shock me. Am I really that different? Somehow, I feel save at the storm. The sound of the wind that banging the window as well as the door. The wetness is calming me. I am not sure why I could feel save. I mean the atmosphere is heavier, but somehow, it lifts my spirit. Weird, huh?

When the storm has finally stopped, I feel empty and insecure. I hate it. I know that most of the people feel more comfortable when the storm ends. But not me. I feel lonely when the storm ends.

What's The Point Anyway?

"You're a smart kid, but why on earth you get such an awful score?"

That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.

I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.

If You Have To Choose...

Okay, if you have to choose between:

a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation

what will you choose?

You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?

And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!

So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.

Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.

The Anti-Social Me (?)

Okay, when I was thinking about how I lonely I am in the school. How people didn't really care whether I came or not. Whether I exist or not. It is plainly hurt when I realize that they all have their own group in their own world, and me? I guess I'm not part of their world.

Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.

I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.

But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.

Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.

No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.

Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.

Maybe, just maybe, we're trying too hard.

I can't believe I say this but, thank God there isn't much people reading this stupid blog of mine that has been keeping me sane all these time.

Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.

Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.

Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.

That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.

Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.

Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.

Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.

Night Sky

Oct 3rd, 2011

I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.

I don't wannabe alone anymore...

People said that I'm strong. But to be honest, I didin't really agree with that. I don't think that I'm strong, I am not. I'm just a pretty good liar that could make people think that I'm strong.

It might sound stupid, but that's the truth. The reality. And guess what? After years of doing that, people really fall for it. And now since they're buying it, they left me alone because they think that I can make it without them.

Guess what? I can't. It hurts too much when they leave me behind. When they're laughing while I'm sitting in the corner. Maybe it's sounds selfish, but I want them to realize how lonely is it. I want them to walk to me and take my hand. But now, it seems pretty much impossible.

I wish that they realize that I'm lonely, but I also didn't want them to fuss around me. I hate it. If you think that it's complicated, that you're right. Even I could not really understand what the heck is going on.

Second Day (Part Two)

Okay... my brother and I finally came at peace and we watch movies to make it up. Everything went pretty well UNTIL I get back to my aunt place. My cousin ask me if I want a tiramisu (which now I wish I never take) because he want to take the container. I say yes and start eating it. I told him that I'm gonna eat that up for him but he has to be the one who wash the container because I'm not the one who one it. He said YES for that one.

And when I finally finished eating that cursed tiramisu, I gave him the container and start working with my shoes. It seems like he gave it to her ma than she left it unwashed in the sink. He started to pissed and yell at her ma. And her ma blame him. Then he blame me for not washing the container because I'm the one who eat the tiramisu. I was pissed because he blame me for that. Hey, I won't be mad if it's really my fault, but he said that he's the one who gonna wash it!

And when I started to get pissed, his ma came to the room that I use (the only safe place in this hell hole she called home), and start saying that I didn't love her son and her son become a brat because of me! WHAT THE HELL?! I was really surprised that time.

Well... he's a spoiled brat from the beginning, AND THAT'S HIS PARENTS FAULT! It's so not fair that I always have to be the one who get blame. I might be 16 now and it means that I have to be mature. LIKE HELL I WOULD CARE! I am mature in my own way.

This is so not fair. When I act maturely, people start saying that my parents have taken my childhood. But when I act childishly, people start yelling at me telling me to grow up. What are they really want?

Around them, I could never be who I really am. With my family around, being me is almost impossible. I could only be me in front of my friends in comic rent and some others in other cities.

They might not realize what they've done to me, because they didn't really care about me. They might not realize so much pain that they caused, because they are no where near me. They might think that I'm strong, because I always have the smile and the laughter.

But the truth? I'm bleeding inside. Doesn't matter how much tears I've shed, the pain won't go away. The pain that they caused are so great that it doesn't matter how loud I scream, the pain would still hurt me real bad. I've run as fast as I could, but the pain still there.

It's just hurt for not being able to be who we really are. But it'll hurt even more when you realize that you don't even know who you are. It's just hurt...

16 Years

16 years ago I was born,
16 years I've seen the world

16 years has passed,
But I haven't find the true happines

16 years old I am now,
The year where I have to be mature

16 years of laughing,
16 years of crying

16 years with joy and happiness,
16 years with pain and sadness

16 years of my live,
16 years of my story

Not-so-happy B'day

Yesterday there was some sort of farewell party in my school and I have to be the MC. So, I have to stay in school from 8 a.m. The party it self start at 5.30 p.m. Pretty tough, huh? Well the teacher allow me to go home for about 1 hour to prepare my self for the party. Knowing that my aunt place is way to far, I decided to go to my comic rent so I can take a bath.

Maybe it sounds kinda weird, but that's the truth. Well, since i'm a gamer, I didn't need a lot of time to take a bath and prepare my self. I think it only take around 15 minutes to do it. Since I still have around 45 minutes left, I decided to continue my game. For some people, playing game for 45 minutes may seems awkward. But as a gamer, 45 minutes will be a waste if you didn't use it to play.

Anyway, when the clock strike at 4 p.m. I have to head back to school. The party has not start yet, but I have to be there for a quick meeting.

When the party started, first thing that crossed in my mind is i'm dead. I'm so dead. That's because I have the whole stage for my self and I was way to nervous to think about what I should say. In other word, last night is really a mess. And the party that supposed to end at 9.30 p.m. somehow ended up at 10.30 p.m. It might be a mess, but somehow I enjoy it.

I'm tired and I didn't have enough sleep. And just to make it worse, my friend text me in the middle of the night.

I was starting to pissed of that time, but then when I read the text, that anger is gone. That's just a short text. Saying a happy b'day. At that time, all the bad things seems like nothing. All I could feel is a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. And even though I hate to be waken in the middle of the night, that one is really special.

Well, I have to be waken 4 times in a row for the same kind of message.

It's pretty obvious that I ain't got enough sleep cause when I wake up, my head is pounding pretty hard. But since I got a test, I have no choice except to in out there and live my life. Done with the test, i'm heading to my comic rent to play Kingdom Heart 2. I somehow manage to finish it before the sun set. But before I could celebrate it, my brother call and practically yelling at me to get to the hotel because my aunt want to celebrate my bday.

And after that, everything is practically ruin. Stripper's mom keep joking around about stuff. Saying that i'm not supposed to put that kind of face on my bday.

Like hell I would listen to her! How am I supposed to put an un-annoyed face when i'm annoyed! And she just way to dense to realize that she's the reason why I look so annoyed.

And that's conclude my not-so-happy bday!

A While To Think, A Time To Rest

It's been a pretty long time since I wrote the last post. I never. meant to do that. The reason why I didn't wrote any more is because I need time to think about some stuffs. It might not important, but I really want to think about it. Those stuffs has been stuck in my mind for months, some of them even stuck for years.

It kinda hurts when I realized that I was tangled by all those unimportant stuffs. Those stuffs is...I don't know...making it hard for me to breath? I don't know. A good friend of mine told me that I should just go nor forget it. I tried and I made it...for a few minutes. I just don't know what the heck is happening to me. Everything seems so blur. I no longer have the passion to read and eat (even though I ate 4 slice of pizza and a little bit of lasagna and spaghetti last night, they didn't taste as good as how they used to be. The things that they, those problem, haven't take from me are my passion to write and my faking face.

Realizing how much those stuffs have burdening me, I decided to go out and try some new stuffs. It's not easy. At least not as easy as those stupid books say. But I think I'm doing it pretty well. I know that I still need lots of time to finish all of them, at least I manage to finish some of them by know. I just hope that everything would go as smoothly as I hope.




Best Regards,





_NZmrc_

I'm Absolutely LOST!!!!

As you can see... I'm moving to Bandung.... Met a hottie who turns out to be the boy friend of the owner daughter. It surely broke my heart! TTATT


Anyway... here I am..... sitting in the computer rent.... Working on my first ass... About GAME!!!!! YAAAYYY!!! XD

So let me tell you a little about my 'new life'.
I've already get to know most of my friends in my class. I also met a gamer who play the same game with me. I knew some girl that read the same manga as me. I have a really good teacher as our home room teacher. Those are the good part.

But I realize that staying alone is not a really good thing. I mean, when school is over, I walked back the my room that I rent, then stare at the ceiling....

IT'S SO GOD DAMN BORING!!!

And just to make it worse, I have NO idea how to go to another place from my place!

I think that's all that I can write for now. I hope your live is better than mine...





P.S : Wish me luck, ok?

JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' TRAP!!!

CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' TRAP, PLEASE???

I NEED MY TIME!!!

JUST CUT ALL THESE FUCKIN' CRAP!!!

CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS ROOM!!!
I actually want to yell like that in front of my cousins and my auntie.
No offense, but can't I just have my own time???

JUST STOP FIGHTING IN FRONT OF ME WILL YA?
I mean, it's just getting worse and worse!
My cousins, the oldest one in this room, start to play an idiot and weird song with his sister guitar.
And just to make it worse, he act as a crybaby!!!
I won't mind if he still a kid, but he's already 13 years old!!!
I just can't stand him you know!!!
I don't know how and I don't know why, my other cousin decided to join him!!!

On the other hand, my aunt is having a fight with my cousin (her daughter), cause she didn't want to eat.
And again and again, they do that in front of my nose!!!

GAH!!! I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!!!
CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!