Jakarta, 25/02/2012 10:09 PM
Dear Lord,
I knew that you already know that I only have a little faith in you. But today, please allow me to ask you to do somethings. Please put him in heaven. Please protect his family. Please fill their live with joy and happiness. Please give them the strength to get through all of these. Please give them the courage to accept what's just happened.
I do realize that I have no right to ask for those things. But please. He's like a father and a brother for me. He's been helping me all these times. I would never be me if it's not because of him. I knew that there's nobody perfect in this world. I won't deny it. But without him, my live would be even more unperfect.
If I could still ask you, please give me the chance to talk to him for the one last time. Even it's only in a dream. I haven't ask for his forgiveness upon all the mistakes that I've done to him.
His daughter is probably way too young to understand this. Please give her the strength and courage to support her mother. And once she's grow up, please leave some of the memories of her father. Please don't make her forget all about him.
I'm begging you Lord,
_NZmrc_
Showing posts with label Question. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Question. Show all posts
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Don't Even Understand Who I Really Am...
I never wished to be alone,
yet I often find my self alone.
I wished for someone that could understand me,
yet I am way too afraid to open my heart.
I never really understand my self. People often said that I am a warm person, but once I act cold, they intend to say that hey didn't know me. Once they said that, deep in my heart, I laugh as hard as I could. And I am not laughing because it's funny. I laugh because the irony behind their words. I mean, it is not a big surprise that they didn't know me! After all, I, my self, didn't really know who I really am.
I know that... I often push people around. I have my reason for that. Walking in the egg shell, making a wall between, digging a trench. I do those kind of things because I don't want to get hurt. Not again, not ever. I do realize once I did those kind of things, people will make some distance. In one hand, it's a good thing because I won't get hurt if something happened to them. But in the other hand, it's killing me for not having many friends.
Hurt? Yes.
Lonely? Absolutely.
I do not wish to make too much contact with them, knowing that they'll hurt me eventually. Yet, I also need friends that I could talk to whenever I'm lonely, having trouble, or when I just want to talk. I do realize that having a 24-hour-a-day friend is plainly impossible and it is an absolute selfishness.
But then, aren't human the most selfish being in the world?
Is it wrong for me to think like that?
yet I often find my self alone.
I wished for someone that could understand me,
yet I am way too afraid to open my heart.
I never really understand my self. People often said that I am a warm person, but once I act cold, they intend to say that hey didn't know me. Once they said that, deep in my heart, I laugh as hard as I could. And I am not laughing because it's funny. I laugh because the irony behind their words. I mean, it is not a big surprise that they didn't know me! After all, I, my self, didn't really know who I really am.
I know that... I often push people around. I have my reason for that. Walking in the egg shell, making a wall between, digging a trench. I do those kind of things because I don't want to get hurt. Not again, not ever. I do realize once I did those kind of things, people will make some distance. In one hand, it's a good thing because I won't get hurt if something happened to them. But in the other hand, it's killing me for not having many friends.
Hurt? Yes.
Lonely? Absolutely.
I do not wish to make too much contact with them, knowing that they'll hurt me eventually. Yet, I also need friends that I could talk to whenever I'm lonely, having trouble, or when I just want to talk. I do realize that having a 24-hour-a-day friend is plainly impossible and it is an absolute selfishness.
But then, aren't human the most selfish being in the world?
Is it wrong for me to think like that?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Why Bother?
Many people think that God is exist. They believe that God is perfect and there's no such a thing called mistake that He could make. Let's just say that He's a well-planned guy.
I have to admit that I'm not really sure whether God is exist or not. I mean, everything would make sense if he didn't exist. It would makes sense why I'm stuck in this world. If God is not exist, then I'm really sure that I was born because a mistake or a coincidence. You choose.
But if God really exist, why do He even bother creating me? To watch me suffer? Well...if it's what He want, then He must be happy seeing me suffer by now.
The other thing I hate about what people think about God is God got everybody in his hands. Geez...I doubt that! If he really got everybody in his hand, why there are still so many poverty and lots of other things like that? Because He got His own plan? I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. If He really do have a plan, why there are still lots of sadness in this world? Or maybe He actually has a plan, but that plan is not a good one. Not a very smart one.
The other thing that has been stuck in my mind for almost a decade is, if he really THAT great, why did He made heaven and hell? Because He wants an end of us? f that what He wants than why makes 2? Can't He just choose and make one of them? I mean, if He just made one end of us, I really want to have my end right away, because I'm starting to hate my live even worse than before.
Many people told me that it is not a good thing to toy someone or something that has a feeling. But what about God? He's currently toying us, remember? Is it just me or it is REALLY unfair? Since the first time I touch the keyboard to write this post, I've been wondering, why did God create us? Is it because He's bored? Because He want something new? Or because He's lonely?
I don't know which one is the true answer, but why do I have to bother it? Since I already here, it seems like I have to join His game until He put me to an end.
To God, who might wanna know what his creation think.
I have to admit that I'm not really sure whether God is exist or not. I mean, everything would make sense if he didn't exist. It would makes sense why I'm stuck in this world. If God is not exist, then I'm really sure that I was born because a mistake or a coincidence. You choose.
But if God really exist, why do He even bother creating me? To watch me suffer? Well...if it's what He want, then He must be happy seeing me suffer by now.
The other thing I hate about what people think about God is God got everybody in his hands. Geez...I doubt that! If he really got everybody in his hand, why there are still so many poverty and lots of other things like that? Because He got His own plan? I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. If He really do have a plan, why there are still lots of sadness in this world? Or maybe He actually has a plan, but that plan is not a good one. Not a very smart one.
The other thing that has been stuck in my mind for almost a decade is, if he really THAT great, why did He made heaven and hell? Because He wants an end of us? f that what He wants than why makes 2? Can't He just choose and make one of them? I mean, if He just made one end of us, I really want to have my end right away, because I'm starting to hate my live even worse than before.
Many people told me that it is not a good thing to toy someone or something that has a feeling. But what about God? He's currently toying us, remember? Is it just me or it is REALLY unfair? Since the first time I touch the keyboard to write this post, I've been wondering, why did God create us? Is it because He's bored? Because He want something new? Or because He's lonely?
I don't know which one is the true answer, but why do I have to bother it? Since I already here, it seems like I have to join His game until He put me to an end.
To God, who might wanna know what his creation think.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A While To Think, A Time To Rest
It's been a pretty long time since I wrote the last post. I never. meant to do that. The reason why I didn't wrote any more is because I need time to think about some stuffs. It might not important, but I really want to think about it. Those stuffs has been stuck in my mind for months, some of them even stuck for years.
It kinda hurts when I realized that I was tangled by all those unimportant stuffs. Those stuffs is...I don't know...making it hard for me to breath? I don't know. A good friend of mine told me that I should just go nor forget it. I tried and I made it...for a few minutes. I just don't know what the heck is happening to me. Everything seems so blur. I no longer have the passion to read and eat (even though I ate 4 slice of pizza and a little bit of lasagna and spaghetti last night, they didn't taste as good as how they used to be. The things that they, those problem, haven't take from me are my passion to write and my faking face.
Realizing how much those stuffs have burdening me, I decided to go out and try some new stuffs. It's not easy. At least not as easy as those stupid books say. But I think I'm doing it pretty well. I know that I still need lots of time to finish all of them, at least I manage to finish some of them by know. I just hope that everything would go as smoothly as I hope.
Best Regards,
_NZmrc_
It kinda hurts when I realized that I was tangled by all those unimportant stuffs. Those stuffs is...I don't know...making it hard for me to breath? I don't know. A good friend of mine told me that I should just go nor forget it. I tried and I made it...for a few minutes. I just don't know what the heck is happening to me. Everything seems so blur. I no longer have the passion to read and eat (even though I ate 4 slice of pizza and a little bit of lasagna and spaghetti last night, they didn't taste as good as how they used to be. The things that they, those problem, haven't take from me are my passion to write and my faking face.
Realizing how much those stuffs have burdening me, I decided to go out and try some new stuffs. It's not easy. At least not as easy as those stupid books say. But I think I'm doing it pretty well. I know that I still need lots of time to finish all of them, at least I manage to finish some of them by know. I just hope that everything would go as smoothly as I hope.
Best Regards,
_NZmrc_
Sunday, October 31, 2010
....I....
Last night, I accidentally bump to my long lost friend. Well... I didn't really bump at her. I just met her in the chat room. At that time, she said something that really shocked me. When I told her that I envy her cuz she doesn't have to change. She asked me why. I told her that I have no choice except changing my self cuz I don't wanna hurt anyone else. I told her that I could no longer show a sincere smile and laugh like the ones in the past.
Then she asked me, "who are you?". To tell you the truth, it feels like a slap on my face. It hurts. I asked her how could she said something like that to me. She told me that I'm not like who I am in the past. The warm, cheerful girl that I used to be has gone missing. It's hurt when she said told me that. But is it true?
Do I really changed? People told us that we have to grow up. But do we really have to change to grow up? That question has been spinning in my heads for years. Is there anyone who an help me answer that? I wonder.....
Then she asked me, "who are you?". To tell you the truth, it feels like a slap on my face. It hurts. I asked her how could she said something like that to me. She told me that I'm not like who I am in the past. The warm, cheerful girl that I used to be has gone missing. It's hurt when she said told me that. But is it true?
Do I really changed? People told us that we have to grow up. But do we really have to change to grow up? That question has been spinning in my heads for years. Is there anyone who an help me answer that? I wonder.....
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