Is it wrong?

Okay. Just to make it short, I went to an essay competition in Yogya and win the second place. But I feel nothing inside. I feel just plainly nothing. Reason? What the judges have said.

Not long after they announce the winner one of the judges (the idiotic one) said something like this, "It's obvious that we bombarded you guys with questions. You're college student, not a High School student. If you guys are a High School student, we won't ask you guys anything complicated. If you guys are high school student, we'll only as you guys simple question like 'how are you?' and stuff. After all, what they wrote is just an essay. Which is very simple."

When that idiotic person said that, I was like "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that we've been working our ass off just for this essay? Don't you know that you're nothing but a freaking idiot who was way too idiotic to understand what you've just say? Don't you even have a brain to make you realize that you make the essay contestant look like a loser just because what you've just said?"

Pardon my not so polite mouth, but I don't give a damn. My pride is like it's been torned apart just by hearing what he's just say. And thanks too that, he complatly ruin my mood for the rest of the day. And just too make it worse, my Ma called me. I knew that the reason why she called me is to congratulate me. But somehow, I ended up sobbing in the phone and make her worried.

ALL THANKS TO THAT IDIOT.

So, anyway, I'm currently writing this post in a train station. I have two reasons why I decided to write this post now. First, to keep my self sane enough to make a bright decicion. And second to keep me awake while waiting for the train. But it seems like the second one is not really helping. And now I feel really sleepy...

P.S.: I do hope there's someone who can understand my feeling right now... (._.)

Maybe, just maybe, we're trying too hard.

I can't believe I say this but, thank God there isn't much people reading this stupid blog of mine that has been keeping me sane all these time.

Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.

Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.

Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.

That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.

Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.

Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.

Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.

Do You Really Hate Me That Much?

People said that when someone powerful hate you, they might ruin your life. Well... I didn't anger anyone powerful, but I think I've anger the God.

Yep. The almighty God. Weird, huh? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the God hate me. Reason? He hurt my parents. And thanks to that, I'm starting to lose my faith to the God.

Fucking Human

I've been wondering for a pretty long time,
Why does human never feel satisfy over anything?


If you don't believe me, try to look back at your self.
When someone gave you a present, you'll start wanting the others to give you present as well. And you'll probably hoping for something that even better than before.
And when someone love you, you'll ended up asking them to love you even more as the time goes by.

Weird huh?
To realize that we'll never satisfy that easily, is kinda scary for me.

But isn't it what makes us human?
I just don't get it...

Night Sky

Oct 3rd, 2011

I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.