Happy Birthday, My Dear

Dear Sky, Today is June 18th. Today is our birthday. There is not much different between this year and last year. May had happened. Joy and laugh. Pain and hurt. And none did I regret. This year, they might not remember it again as well. But don't be sad. Sora and Asch had already wished you a happy birthday, right? Held your head high and put on your best smile. Even if it hurts so bad, don't let them see it. Be though. Don't let others see your pain. Don't let them pi mty you nor underestimate you, but most importantly, don't let them feel the same feeling that you are having. Now that we are 18, we will start another journey. Another chapter in our life. What others think are important, but not as important as what you think or what yoir dearest ones think. If you ever make any mistake in the future, don't you ever regret it. It might be hurt, but if you see it from the other side, you shall not regret it. And please remember not to forget the joy of a child. It is okay to grow up, but if you always think and see the world like and adult , you might ended up missing the beauty of the world. Try to see the world from the eyes of a child. You might find the world a lot more colorful and less bitter if you do it. So now, held your head, put on your best smile, and see the world with the eyes of a child again. Cheers,

I Screwed Up... Again...

I woke up at three in the morning, preparing my self for a trip to an island called Bangka. The sun hasn't even showed his self when I, somehow, messed up. This time, I lost my student card. Well, it's not a big deal if you are not planing to go over seas in few weeks. But LUCKY me, my parents were planing a vacation to Japan and I haven't even work my VISA just yet. And to make that stupid thing called VISA, I'm gonna need my student card. Now, everything messed up. All that's left is me, waiting my dad to find out what happened, and kill me instantly. Wow... I'm so damn LUCKY!!!

An Orphan

You know, I have a dream to have an orphan house once i have enough money. You might wondering why on earth I have such a dream. It's pretty simple actually. It's because I'm lonely. It's just because of that. Although I still have my parents, I tend to feel like I don't have one. That I am practically alone in this world. Weird, huh? But one thing that I learned from that is being alone doesn't feel good. It feels cold and empty inside. It doesn't matter how hard you laugh or how bright your smile is, it means nothing when you don't have a family. Now that I'm almost 17, I understand a bit better about the world. Now, whenever I saw parents having fun with their kids, I could feel jealousy as well as pain in my heart. I'm jealous cause they could still enjoy their life like that, and the pain is because I could no longer feel that kind of warmth. Once I have enough money, I'll make an orphan house. So none of the kids will feel lonely. So I will not feel lonely again.

Atashi wa Atashi Janai!

Dear stupid blog of mine, I feel more insecure than before. And I don't like it at all. I just wish I could disappear. I know that I'll regret saying it in no time, but that's how I feel right now at this moment. I'm currently sitting in a lobby of some hotel in Sumedang. I'm currently joining the Kids Forum. I know that I should be happy for being able to make new friends and also meeting some old friends. You know, it's kinda hard for me to keep wearing this stupid mask of mine. But when I was thinking to take it off, I realize that I, my self, did not know what lies beyond that mask. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that I am not me. That I don't know who I really am. You know, maybe it's better for me to not know what lies beyond that mask. Because if I know what lies beyond it, I might ended up regretting my life. Cursing it and hoping that I was not born in to this world. You know, I already realize that I'm desperate. People said that when you understand what happened to you, you'll be able to get a better life. Maybe it's kinda different for me. Although I already realize that I'm desperate, I still don't have a better life. Pathetic is pathetic. Pathetic is my life, at least for now. Signed, _NZmrc_ (Owner of this stupid blog)

I'm Pretty Sure That I'm Lost

Lost. Yep. That's my word for the last few centuries (?) if I might say. You might be wondering why I choose that word. At first, I don't want to admit it. But since my uncle passed away, I felt that another part of my heart collapsed and sunk in to an endless pit. It's really pathetic even for someone like me to think like that. But that's the fact. I feel so lost. Just imagine your self as a kid, wondering alone in a foreign country, without any money, and surrounded with people who talked in such a weird language. That's what happen to me. I only make everything worse by trying to deny the fact that he's no longer here. I act happy as if there's nothing in the world that could bother me in front of everyone. NO one really knows what I actually feel. I really wish I could open up a bit more and tell them about have been bothering me. But I can't just do that. I've done it once only to realize that most of them could not be trusted. In the end, they'll only hurt you. Again and again, until you stop talking about it. If you guys got enough with my depressing post, I better tell you that I also have enough of them. Unfortunately, this's the only thing that I can do. Writing. And unlike a diary, I don't mind if anyone stumble open one of my stupid posts and read them. It's not like you know me. Anyway, let's catch up with what has been happening in my life. You see, few weeks ago, I found out that the stories that were SUPPOSED to be written by my junior are actually taken from the internet. Surprised, surprised. She was actually a plagiarist. I am not going to say, "Oh my... I can't believe she done such an awful thing!" nor "How could she do such a thing?!". Me, I'll personally say, "Dude, what the f*** is wrong with you?! If you want to take someone works, then you gotta be smart! You don't even change the stupid titles nor the characters name! That's just freaking idiotic!!" Yeah. I am not angry because she took other people works. I'm more pissed because she didn't even use her head when doing it. I mean, what could be more idiotic than just copy-paste their work and print it without changing ANY words? GOD! I really can't believe her idiotic action. To be honest, I still have tons of nonsense that I want to write down, but I'll keep it for another time. My head feel so god damn heavy due too lack of sleep. I think I better meet my dearest pillow now. Ciao.

I REALLY Need to Say This

Well, I got back from Makassar yesterday. Flying to Jakarta then go straight to Bandung. But that's not the important part.

What really matter is what happened today.

So, yeah. I was way too lazy to go to school today, so I skipped it and decided to come after school to get some sort of tutoring for the research project.

When my tutoring is done, I, like most of the time, am starving. Deciding that some of my friends might order something to eat, I went up stair and it's a bingo.

They do have a bucket of fried chicken. After eating, we kinda have a little forum. In that forum, we discussed about stuffs that has been bothering us. Stuffs that have relations with our friends in school.

So one thing leads to another, we moved to my class since it's pretty dark right now. We continue our topic and have no problem at all.

When we decided it's dark enough and probably the time to go home, my friend turn of the light and one of them climbed the table and start talking.

About someone they met in the 10th grade. The first time they knew about this person is when he saw the picture that that person drew. Judging from that, they considered that person as someone who loves anime and comics, which turns out to be true.

Since that person is getting close to their best friend, they realize that that person is an easy going one and they enjoy being with that person.

Suddenly, they cut of their story and turn to me, asking, "will u go out with me?"

Surprised, shock, awkward, glad, and happy. That's what I felt that time. But I can't bring myself to say yes, knowing that I'll probably hurt him if I said that. Not because I didn't like that person, but more because I still can't understand myself. What I really want. I'm afraid, saying yes will only cause something that I'd regret.


I don't want to lose anyone anymore. Not again, not ever.

I Wish This Is All Just A Dream

You see, my uncle passed away yesterday. The day before, Friday, my father called me and we talked about some stuffs. At that time, he told me that our driver, which is more like an uncle to me, is hospitalized. I was shock and really sad. Right after we hanged up, I started to cry. I am not sure what happened but my chest feel so god damn thigh.

Yesterday, when I was in school, I called my nanny. After all, she's my uncle's wive. When I called her, I heard her crying in the other side. Since I can't stop my tears, I rushed to an empty class room and start crying as well. My nanny is my 2nd ma. She's always there when I need her.

We talked a little. Only a little since she has to take care of her husband. But at that time, she asked me to forgive her husband mistake if he has any. When I heard that, I cried even more. Because for me, he never made any mistake. I'm the one who made lots of mistake.

Later on that day, around 3 p.m., I was in the science lab with my teacher and some of my friends. We were the for the preparation of the open house. At that time, my father called. When I saw his name in the caller ID, I have a bad feeling. A real bad one. I am not sure how, but I knew that something is wrong. And I was right.

He's gone.

I'll never be able to see him ever again.


Today, I got a 6 o'clock flight to Makassar. I was sleeping through most of the flight. When I woke up, I kinda played with a baby next to me. I laugh and laugh. But when the plan landed, I stopped laughing. I finally remember why am I here. I could hardly hold my tears. But since I wear a hat, glasses, and I have a pretty long bangs, none realize that I cried.

As absurd as possible, I wish when I woke up tomorrow morning, it turns out that everything is just a dream. That he's not dead. That I came here only for vacation.

I'm Begging You

Jakarta, 25/02/2012 10:09 PM

Dear Lord,
I knew that you already know that I only have a little faith in you. But today, please allow me to ask you to do somethings. Please put him in heaven. Please protect his family. Please fill their live with joy and happiness. Please give them the strength to get through all of these. Please give them the courage to accept what's just happened.
I do realize that I have no right to ask for those things. But please. He's like a father and a brother for me. He's been helping me all these times. I would never be me if it's not because of him. I knew that there's nobody perfect in this world. I won't deny it. But without him, my live would be even more unperfect.
If I could still ask you, please give me the chance to talk to him for the one last time. Even it's only in a dream. I haven't ask for his forgiveness upon all the mistakes that I've done to him.
His daughter is probably way too young to understand this. Please give her the strength and courage to support her mother. And once she's grow up, please leave some of the memories of her father. Please don't make her forget all about him.

I'm begging you Lord,




_NZmrc_

This Feeling That I've Just Realize

"When two best friend talk, people tend to think that they talk in code."
That's what my friend Mikka told me.

My brother, Sylph, has just arrived from Jakarta. I can't say that I didn't miss him when he was away in his small trip. Anyway, I'm pretty glad that he's back now.

While we were having dinner, my ma called. Since I didn't have the chance to meet her personally in Jakarta, I talk to her cheerfully. Everything is okay, UNTIL he talked to her. And that time, I realized that I could understand nothing about what they were talking about.

And now that I realized that, it only make me feel even more lonelier than when he was away. Knowing that he could talk to her like two best friend in their own world really hurt me. Because I do realize that the world they're in at that time is the place where I could never ever get in.


Pathetic huh? Getting jealous to your own brother just because he's closer to your parents. But hey, that's the truth. It's sucks. Unable to understand them, to talk to them like the way he talked to them is really hurting me.

Sometimes I wish that... that he never exist. But if it's really do happen, I can't imagine how my parents gonna be. After all, he's always their favorite.

I'm Scared

There was a storm earlier today. The wind blowing really hard and the rain start wetting everything that it touch. Everyone look so damn uncomfortable. But me? I somehow feel comfortable. I kinda feel like this is the place where I belong. That fact kinda shock me. Am I really that different? Somehow, I feel save at the storm. The sound of the wind that banging the window as well as the door. The wetness is calming me. I am not sure why I could feel save. I mean the atmosphere is heavier, but somehow, it lifts my spirit. Weird, huh?

When the storm has finally stopped, I feel empty and insecure. I hate it. I know that most of the people feel more comfortable when the storm ends. But not me. I feel lonely when the storm ends.

One Day is All I Need

Okay, let me make a confession. I skip the school today.

I told my brother that I didn't feel really good. Well, I am not lying. I do have a little headache, a bit cough, and lots of snot. Like I've said before, I wouldn't lie to my brother. And I did not. I just blow it up a bit.

What surprised me, he kinda call our parents. I was surprised cuz usually he won't bother the,. He'll just do me a favor and text my teacher for me. So, it turns out that, MAYBE he's a bit concerned and decided to make a call.

So, yeah. My ma called and ask me. In the calm yet concerned tone. Since I already have a cough, I didn't really have to fake anything. Not long after my ma called, it's my dad's turn. And believe it or not, he sound a lot more concerned (and a bit panicked) than my ma. Maybe that's because he's not sure what he gotta do when his children are sick and he's not there? I am not sure. But I do realize that he sound like that cuz he loves us. It doesn't mean that our ma doesn't love us. She just knew that we could handle it, so she didn't make too many fuss.


Weird parents huh?

Anyway, I kinda glad that I miss school today. Cuz I realized that, there are lots pf people that cared about me. Including my brother, whether he want to admit it or not! ;3

I Don't Need a Brother Like You

Yes. I am a liar. But I am not gonna lie to you. You are my brother, Sylph. What's the point for me to lie to you? You're one of the few that I still have. One of the few that trusted me. Or at least used to trust me.

I always knew that I am far from perfect as well as good. I do realize that I don't have much people to talk to. Which is why I keep those who I have near my heart. I should have known that doing such a thing is dangerous for someone like me. I though it was save since I already know you since the day I was born.
3
But maybe I am just too naive.

Don't you get it? I might be a liar, but I am not going to lie to you.

Sweet Torture

Yes. I am mentally tortured by all my ass in school. But just like a wise ass guy said, "Every cloud has a silver lining".

Maybe, they're probably right. I mean, as stupid as I might sound, I enjoy being drowned in my assignments. Well, it's not like I'm a straight-A-student. To be honest, I didn't like most of the tasks. But doing those stuffs, drowned in them, often makes me forget about how lonely I am right now. Pathetic huh?

I know that I sound like a middle aged guy who just broke up. But hey, that's the truth. Working makes m stay away from things that I don't wanna think about. Just like writing.

Unfortunately, writing need something a bit more... uh... I'm not sure how to say it, crucial things? I mean, I do realize that I could express my self better with writing, but if I just write without having any idea what would happened next, that'll be totally useless because I'll drop that project in no time. And once I drop the project, it'll take ages for me to get the mood and the idea to continue it. Sucky, huh?

I Don't Even Understand Who I Really Am...

I never wished to be alone,
yet I often find my self alone.

I wished for someone that could understand me,
yet I am way too afraid to open my heart.



I never really understand my self. People often said that I am a warm person, but once I act cold, they intend to say that hey didn't know me. Once they said that, deep in my heart, I laugh as hard as I could. And I am not laughing because it's funny. I laugh because the irony behind their words. I mean, it is not a big surprise that they didn't know me! After all, I, my self, didn't really know who I really am.

I know that... I often push people around. I have my reason for that. Walking in the egg shell, making a wall between, digging a trench. I do those kind of things because I don't want to get hurt. Not again, not ever. I do realize once I did those kind of things, people will make some distance. In one hand, it's a good thing because I won't get hurt if something happened to them. But in the other hand, it's killing me for not having many friends.

Hurt? Yes.
Lonely? Absolutely.

I do not wish to make too much contact with them, knowing that they'll hurt me eventually. Yet, I also need friends that I could talk to whenever I'm lonely, having trouble, or when I just want to talk. I do realize that having a 24-hour-a-day friend is plainly impossible and it is an absolute selfishness.

But then, aren't human the most selfish being in the world?
Is it wrong for me to think like that?

I Have To...

I have to write. I really mean it. Things have been happening around me, and I like none of them. I write this as the anchor to my sanity. I'm afraid that if I stop writing, I might not be able to know who I am.

Two days ago, one of my unknown relative passed away. And I could see the pain in my grand ma face, which trigger the pain in my heart.

A day after that, yesterday, my nanny (who's kinda like my second mother) lost her father. And again, I cried. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to except some of my friend. Even though I've talked to them, what I really need is a comforting hand that'll erase my tears, pat my head, and embrace me while I cry.

And those kind of people is nowhere around me right now.

Just to make it worse, my cousin has a high fever. He refused to see the doctor. Thanks to that, I could hardly sleep last night.

You might be wondering why on earth did I not write this post last night. Well, to be honest, last night, when I got the news about my nanny's father, I cried in silence since I slept next to my cousins. I keep crying and crying until I finally fell asleep without knowing it.


It hurts to see the tears from those whom you loved.
But it hurts even more when you know that you can't sit next to them to erase their tears and ease their pain.

Lots of Things Happened

Lots of things happened today. And when I said lots of things, I really mean it. From getting back from Lampung around one o'clock in the morning, ditching my aunt, getting yelled at, and the death from the unfamiliar relative.

To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.

Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.

And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.

Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...

So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.

First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.

And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.

So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.

Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.

When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.

The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?


Will I be able to survive?

What's The Point Anyway?

"You're a smart kid, but why on earth you get such an awful score?"

That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.

I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.

If You Have To Choose...

Okay, if you have to choose between:

a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation

what will you choose?

You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?

And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!

So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.

Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.

The Anti-Social Me (?)

Okay, when I was thinking about how I lonely I am in the school. How people didn't really care whether I came or not. Whether I exist or not. It is plainly hurt when I realize that they all have their own group in their own world, and me? I guess I'm not part of their world.

Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.

I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.

But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.

Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.

No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.

Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.

Is it wrong?

Okay. Just to make it short, I went to an essay competition in Yogya and win the second place. But I feel nothing inside. I feel just plainly nothing. Reason? What the judges have said.

Not long after they announce the winner one of the judges (the idiotic one) said something like this, "It's obvious that we bombarded you guys with questions. You're college student, not a High School student. If you guys are a High School student, we won't ask you guys anything complicated. If you guys are high school student, we'll only as you guys simple question like 'how are you?' and stuff. After all, what they wrote is just an essay. Which is very simple."

When that idiotic person said that, I was like "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that we've been working our ass off just for this essay? Don't you know that you're nothing but a freaking idiot who was way too idiotic to understand what you've just say? Don't you even have a brain to make you realize that you make the essay contestant look like a loser just because what you've just said?"

Pardon my not so polite mouth, but I don't give a damn. My pride is like it's been torned apart just by hearing what he's just say. And thanks too that, he complatly ruin my mood for the rest of the day. And just too make it worse, my Ma called me. I knew that the reason why she called me is to congratulate me. But somehow, I ended up sobbing in the phone and make her worried.

ALL THANKS TO THAT IDIOT.

So, anyway, I'm currently writing this post in a train station. I have two reasons why I decided to write this post now. First, to keep my self sane enough to make a bright decicion. And second to keep me awake while waiting for the train. But it seems like the second one is not really helping. And now I feel really sleepy...

P.S.: I do hope there's someone who can understand my feeling right now... (._.)