I have to write. I really mean it. Things have been happening around me, and I like none of them. I write this as the anchor to my sanity. I'm afraid that if I stop writing, I might not be able to know who I am.
Two days ago, one of my unknown relative passed away. And I could see the pain in my grand ma face, which trigger the pain in my heart.
A day after that, yesterday, my nanny (who's kinda like my second mother) lost her father. And again, I cried. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to except some of my friend. Even though I've talked to them, what I really need is a comforting hand that'll erase my tears, pat my head, and embrace me while I cry.
And those kind of people is nowhere around me right now.
Just to make it worse, my cousin has a high fever. He refused to see the doctor. Thanks to that, I could hardly sleep last night.
You might be wondering why on earth did I not write this post last night. Well, to be honest, last night, when I got the news about my nanny's father, I cried in silence since I slept next to my cousins. I keep crying and crying until I finally fell asleep without knowing it.
It hurts to see the tears from those whom you loved.
But it hurts even more when you know that you can't sit next to them to erase their tears and ease their pain.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Lots of Things Happened
Lots of things happened today. And when I said lots of things, I really mean it. From getting back from Lampung around one o'clock in the morning, ditching my aunt, getting yelled at, and the death from the unfamiliar relative.
To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.
Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.
And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.
Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...
So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.
First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.
And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.
So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.
Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.
When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.
The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?
Will I be able to survive?
To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.
Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.
And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.
Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...
So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.
First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.
And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.
So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.
Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.
When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.
The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?
Will I be able to survive?
Sunday, December 25, 2011
What's The Point Anyway?
"You're a smart kid, but why on earth you get such an awful score?"
That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.
I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.
That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.
I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.
Monday, December 19, 2011
If You Have To Choose...
Okay, if you have to choose between:
a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation
what will you choose?
You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?
And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!
So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.
Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.
a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation
what will you choose?
You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?
And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!
So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.
Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Anti-Social Me (?)
Okay, when I was thinking about how I lonely I am in the school. How people didn't really care whether I came or not. Whether I exist or not. It is plainly hurt when I realize that they all have their own group in their own world, and me? I guess I'm not part of their world.
Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.
I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.
But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.
Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.
No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.
Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.
Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.
I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.
But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.
Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.
No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.
Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)