I have to write. I really mean it. Things have been happening around me, and I like none of them. I write this as the anchor to my sanity. I'm afraid that if I stop writing, I might not be able to know who I am.
Two days ago, one of my unknown relative passed away. And I could see the pain in my grand ma face, which trigger the pain in my heart.
A day after that, yesterday, my nanny (who's kinda like my second mother) lost her father. And again, I cried. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to except some of my friend. Even though I've talked to them, what I really need is a comforting hand that'll erase my tears, pat my head, and embrace me while I cry.
And those kind of people is nowhere around me right now.
Just to make it worse, my cousin has a high fever. He refused to see the doctor. Thanks to that, I could hardly sleep last night.
You might be wondering why on earth did I not write this post last night. Well, to be honest, last night, when I got the news about my nanny's father, I cried in silence since I slept next to my cousins. I keep crying and crying until I finally fell asleep without knowing it.
It hurts to see the tears from those whom you loved.
But it hurts even more when you know that you can't sit next to them to erase their tears and ease their pain.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Lots of Things Happened
Lots of things happened today. And when I said lots of things, I really mean it. From getting back from Lampung around one o'clock in the morning, ditching my aunt, getting yelled at, and the death from the unfamiliar relative.
To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.
Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.
And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.
Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...
So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.
First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.
And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.
So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.
Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.
When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.
The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?
Will I be able to survive?
To be honest, my head is killing me right now. I'm writing this post in order to escape most of the pain and also to prevent my sanity to slipped away.
Okay, Lampung is not a big deal except that I can't really sleep until around four o'clock in the morning and wake up around nine.
And about ditching my aunt? Yep, me and my cousins really did that. You see, we never really like her. I mean, she's a type of person that always think that she's more superior than anyone else. So yeah, we ran off to the movie without taking her with us even though we knew that she wanted to come with us.
Once the movie ended, we have no choice except to back to my cousin place, where we knew that she's waiting for us in there. Everything start pretty good. A bit of yelling (which kinda surprise me cause I was predicting a lot more), a bit of tears from her, and bla...bla...bla...
So, she told us that all she want is to spent time with us. And yes, she told us while crying. At first, I wanted to believe her. But there're two things stopping me from doing that.
First, I already close my heart. I've closed my heart a long time ago. And since trusting someone means that you have to open up your heart, it is not a wish that I can easily granted. I've hurt before, and I don't like it. I never want to do it again.
And second, right after her teary confession, she started forcing us to tell her what we thing she really is cause she wanted to change in 2012. But then again, whenever we told her something, she keeps arguing and back firing at us. It's suck.
So yeah, I do (NOT) trust her.
Right after those things happened, we went to the hospital. But before that we stopped at the restaurant to have dinner. Finished with dinner, we continue our journey to the hospital. And once we got there, one of our relative that I truly have NO idea who he is, told us that the one that we wanted to visit has just passed away around ten minutes ago.
When I heard that, I felt like someone just stab me right in to my heart. The sadness that I felt is something that I could not identify. I mean, I din't even know who's the one that passed away. I only knew that she's my distance relatives.
The pain is unbearable for me.
I haven't even open my heart, yet the pain is already killing me.
What will happened if I open up my heart and lose someone important to me?
Or if someone hurt me like the way they did in the past?
Will I be able to survive?
Sunday, December 25, 2011
What's The Point Anyway?
"You're a smart kid, but why on earth you get such an awful score?"
That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.
I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.
That's what my father always said to me. And everytime he saw my report card, he always repeat those words. At first, those words means nothing for me. But as the time goes by, it feels like someone has stab me with a knife, right to my heart. And when he keep commenting me about the score, it only make everything even worse than ever.
I don't care what kind of score did I get. It doesn't matter for me. All I want is my parent to sit next to me. I want them to be happy. But in order to do that, I have to get a good score. But once I get a good score, they'll be even busier than before. It hurts. It's plainly hurts.
Monday, December 19, 2011
If You Have To Choose...
Okay, if you have to choose between:
a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation
what will you choose?
You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?
And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!
So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.
Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.
a. locking your self in your room
b. plan a trip to the beach
c. hunt for something random in a totally random place
d. spent everyday waking up late and just do nothing
e. cruising across the sea in somesort of family vacation
what will you choose?
You guys will probably choose the last option. But for me, I'll take every options that I could get and pass the cruising part. Reason? I just got back from that kind of vacation and it turns out that my vacation is totally ruined in the first day. Funny isn't it?
And just to make it worse, this so called family vacation only make me feel a lot more alone than before. It seems like they put me in this kind of vacation so they could torture me to death. And yes, being with my family is plainly uncomfortable for me. The reason is because I often felt like I am not part of them and they're not helping at all by forcing me to take photo together. Yep. Fucking photograph with a fake smile. FANTASTIC!
So, maybe I am not the only kid in the world that feel like this. So, whenever someone ask you for a family vacation, try to say NO. Try to find your way so that you don't have to join them.
Because once you decided to, you'll ended up regretting it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Anti-Social Me (?)
Okay, when I was thinking about how I lonely I am in the school. How people didn't really care whether I came or not. Whether I exist or not. It is plainly hurt when I realize that they all have their own group in their own world, and me? I guess I'm not part of their world.
Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.
I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.
But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.
Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.
No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.
Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.
Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.
I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.
But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.
Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.
No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.
Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Is it wrong?
Okay. Just to make it short, I went to an essay competition in Yogya and win the second place. But I feel nothing inside. I feel just plainly nothing. Reason? What the judges have said.
Not long after they announce the winner one of the judges (the idiotic one) said something like this, "It's obvious that we bombarded you guys with questions. You're college student, not a High School student. If you guys are a High School student, we won't ask you guys anything complicated. If you guys are high school student, we'll only as you guys simple question like 'how are you?' and stuff. After all, what they wrote is just an essay. Which is very simple."
When that idiotic person said that, I was like "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that we've been working our ass off just for this essay? Don't you know that you're nothing but a freaking idiot who was way too idiotic to understand what you've just say? Don't you even have a brain to make you realize that you make the essay contestant look like a loser just because what you've just said?"
Pardon my not so polite mouth, but I don't give a damn. My pride is like it's been torned apart just by hearing what he's just say. And thanks too that, he complatly ruin my mood for the rest of the day. And just too make it worse, my Ma called me. I knew that the reason why she called me is to congratulate me. But somehow, I ended up sobbing in the phone and make her worried.
ALL THANKS TO THAT IDIOT.
So, anyway, I'm currently writing this post in a train station. I have two reasons why I decided to write this post now. First, to keep my self sane enough to make a bright decicion. And second to keep me awake while waiting for the train. But it seems like the second one is not really helping. And now I feel really sleepy...
P.S.: I do hope there's someone who can understand my feeling right now... (._.)
Not long after they announce the winner one of the judges (the idiotic one) said something like this, "It's obvious that we bombarded you guys with questions. You're college student, not a High School student. If you guys are a High School student, we won't ask you guys anything complicated. If you guys are high school student, we'll only as you guys simple question like 'how are you?' and stuff. After all, what they wrote is just an essay. Which is very simple."
When that idiotic person said that, I was like "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that we've been working our ass off just for this essay? Don't you know that you're nothing but a freaking idiot who was way too idiotic to understand what you've just say? Don't you even have a brain to make you realize that you make the essay contestant look like a loser just because what you've just said?"
Pardon my not so polite mouth, but I don't give a damn. My pride is like it's been torned apart just by hearing what he's just say. And thanks too that, he complatly ruin my mood for the rest of the day. And just too make it worse, my Ma called me. I knew that the reason why she called me is to congratulate me. But somehow, I ended up sobbing in the phone and make her worried.
ALL THANKS TO THAT IDIOT.
So, anyway, I'm currently writing this post in a train station. I have two reasons why I decided to write this post now. First, to keep my self sane enough to make a bright decicion. And second to keep me awake while waiting for the train. But it seems like the second one is not really helping. And now I feel really sleepy...
P.S.: I do hope there's someone who can understand my feeling right now... (._.)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Maybe, just maybe, we're trying too hard.
I can't believe I say this but, thank God there isn't much people reading this stupid blog of mine that has been keeping me sane all these time.
Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.
Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.
Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.
That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.
Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.
Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.
Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.
Anyway, the reason I said that is becaus I'm going to write something that might sound a bit embarrasing and really not me.
Okay. Let me just go to the point. I cried like a baby and call my best friend/unrelated-by-blood family, Asch... I could hardly believe that I can cry that louder than before. But once I heard her voice, I start crying like crazy. And if anyone from my school heard me cry like that, they'll probably gonna faint because of the shock.
Here's whathappened before.
I was watching the fifth episode of 'Bakuman', then I just realize that I have to contact my friend so he could help me with some illustration for my essay presentation on Saturday. But after few hours of waiting, I start to feel uneasy because he hasn't reply my text. And at that time, I kinda having a nerve break down and start crying because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make the presentation without his help.
That's the reason why I cried at first. But when I called Asch, one thing lead to another thing and somehow I started to laugh like crazy. I don;t now how she do that, but she sure has a way to cheer me up. Oh, and when I was crying, I kinda tolf her that I don't want to let my parents down as much as I don't want them to see me fighting hopelessly like this.
Than she told me that, maybe I'm just trying too hard. My parents already proud of me for being able to enter the final, which means I am not supposed to work my ass off like this.
Those words really hit me in. She knew that I'm a type of person that often to fight over someone happiness and forgetting about my own happiness. And I think she's right.
Sometimes, I'm just trying too hard. Way too hard.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Do You Really Hate Me That Much?
People said that when someone powerful hate you, they might ruin your life. Well... I didn't anger anyone powerful, but I think I've anger the God.
Yep. The almighty God. Weird, huh? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the God hate me. Reason? He hurt my parents. And thanks to that, I'm starting to lose my faith to the God.
Yep. The almighty God. Weird, huh? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the God hate me. Reason? He hurt my parents. And thanks to that, I'm starting to lose my faith to the God.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fucking Human
I've been wondering for a pretty long time,
Why does human never feel satisfy over anything?
If you don't believe me, try to look back at your self.
When someone gave you a present, you'll start wanting the others to give you present as well. And you'll probably hoping for something that even better than before.
And when someone love you, you'll ended up asking them to love you even more as the time goes by.
Weird huh?
To realize that we'll never satisfy that easily, is kinda scary for me.
But isn't it what makes us human?
I just don't get it...
Why does human never feel satisfy over anything?
If you don't believe me, try to look back at your self.
When someone gave you a present, you'll start wanting the others to give you present as well. And you'll probably hoping for something that even better than before.
And when someone love you, you'll ended up asking them to love you even more as the time goes by.
Weird huh?
To realize that we'll never satisfy that easily, is kinda scary for me.
But isn't it what makes us human?
I just don't get it...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Night Sky
Oct 3rd, 2011
I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.
I wrote this post a few days after I get back from Jaya Giri after 3 days and 2 nights camp. I was lucky that there wasn't any rain on those days. And for the first time ever, I finally slept under the stars.
At that time, I was having a though. Looking at the velvet blue sky, I noticed that no one realized that those stars are starting to fade. Then, it crossed in my mind, "If I'm gone, is there anyone who's gonna miss me?"
Sounds pathetic, huh? But that's really what I had in mind that time. Maybe none of them realize how lonely I am. I can't blame them. for that. It's not their fault. Not entirely.
It's my fault not to open my self. But I have reason for that. I don't want to get hurt again. I know that it makes me sound like an emo, but I don't give a shit about that. I don't want to get hurt. I had enough.
Anyway, that though is really hit me. My heart hurts when I realized that I might have the same fate with those stars. Same name, same fate. Ironic, isn't it?
maybe you hate me for being skeptical, but that's me. I don't have an alter ego or 2 personalities. What I have is a personality that no one could understand. And like it or not, that's me.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I don't wannabe alone anymore...
People said that I'm strong. But to be honest, I didin't really agree with that. I don't think that I'm strong, I am not. I'm just a pretty good liar that could make people think that I'm strong.
It might sound stupid, but that's the truth. The reality. And guess what? After years of doing that, people really fall for it. And now since they're buying it, they left me alone because they think that I can make it without them.
Guess what? I can't. It hurts too much when they leave me behind. When they're laughing while I'm sitting in the corner. Maybe it's sounds selfish, but I want them to realize how lonely is it. I want them to walk to me and take my hand. But now, it seems pretty much impossible.
I wish that they realize that I'm lonely, but I also didn't want them to fuss around me. I hate it. If you think that it's complicated, that you're right. Even I could not really understand what the heck is going on.
It might sound stupid, but that's the truth. The reality. And guess what? After years of doing that, people really fall for it. And now since they're buying it, they left me alone because they think that I can make it without them.
Guess what? I can't. It hurts too much when they leave me behind. When they're laughing while I'm sitting in the corner. Maybe it's sounds selfish, but I want them to realize how lonely is it. I want them to walk to me and take my hand. But now, it seems pretty much impossible.
I wish that they realize that I'm lonely, but I also didn't want them to fuss around me. I hate it. If you think that it's complicated, that you're right. Even I could not really understand what the heck is going on.
Friday, August 26, 2011
I...
I wish I was there with you...
So I could see your smile,
and hear your laugh...
I wish I could always be with you...
So I could wipe your tears,
and take away the pain...
If only I'm sitting by your side right now...
I would take your hand,
and tell you not to give up...
The reasons are simple...
You're my light,
you're my savior,
you're my angel,
you're my family,
and I love you...
So I could see your smile,
and hear your laugh...
I wish I could always be with you...
So I could wipe your tears,
and take away the pain...
If only I'm sitting by your side right now...
I would take your hand,
and tell you not to give up...
The reasons are simple...
You're my light,
you're my savior,
you're my angel,
you're my family,
and I love you...
Friday, July 15, 2011
Oh.My.God
OH MY GOD! You're not gonna believe what just happened! I was just watching TV, when out of the blue, my teacher call me and told me that I was chosen as the representative of West Java in National Kids Congress.
When I heard that, the first thing that crossed in my mind is "What on earth is going on?". I mean, what makes them thing that I'm the right person to become the representative? It's not like I'm not happy, I'm just surprised that they decided to pick me instead of the other kids. I mean, look at me! I'm not a straight A student that could win everyone hearts! I'm just a straight forward student that could hurt someone deeply using my words.
God... I really am shocked by their decision. I am happy that they pick me. I just hope that they won't regret it in the end. I realize that I'm not an ordinary kids (the God probably broke the mold when he created me), I just hope that they can understand me for being different. For being me.
I don't know the real reason why they choose me, but one thing for sure. Through this congress, I want to prove to the world that every kids are different. I want to knock some sense to everyone who didn't realized that before. Many people might not realize that sometimes, it's not easy to be a kid. Feeling like everyone left us behind and stuck between our parents fight is something that we have to face this day.
I just hope that they would listen to my opinion and think about what I said. If you really don't mind, would you please pray for me??
When I heard that, the first thing that crossed in my mind is "What on earth is going on?". I mean, what makes them thing that I'm the right person to become the representative? It's not like I'm not happy, I'm just surprised that they decided to pick me instead of the other kids. I mean, look at me! I'm not a straight A student that could win everyone hearts! I'm just a straight forward student that could hurt someone deeply using my words.
God... I really am shocked by their decision. I am happy that they pick me. I just hope that they won't regret it in the end. I realize that I'm not an ordinary kids (the God probably broke the mold when he created me), I just hope that they can understand me for being different. For being me.
I don't know the real reason why they choose me, but one thing for sure. Through this congress, I want to prove to the world that every kids are different. I want to knock some sense to everyone who didn't realized that before. Many people might not realize that sometimes, it's not easy to be a kid. Feeling like everyone left us behind and stuck between our parents fight is something that we have to face this day.
I just hope that they would listen to my opinion and think about what I said. If you really don't mind, would you please pray for me??
Monday, June 27, 2011
Somewhere I Belong
People said that everyone belong to a place
A place where people called family gather
A place where you can hear laughter
A place that called home
If it's true, can you show me where I belong?
Can you show me who's my family?
Can you show me where's my family so I could hear their laugh?
Can you show me where's my home?
A place where people called family gather
A place where you can hear laughter
A place that called home
If it's true, can you show me where I belong?
Can you show me who's my family?
Can you show me where's my family so I could hear their laugh?
Can you show me where's my home?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Second Day (Part Two)
Okay... my brother and I finally came at peace and we watch movies to make it up. Everything went pretty well UNTIL I get back to my aunt place. My cousin ask me if I want a tiramisu (which now I wish I never take) because he want to take the container. I say yes and start eating it. I told him that I'm gonna eat that up for him but he has to be the one who wash the container because I'm not the one who one it. He said YES for that one.
And when I finally finished eating that cursed tiramisu, I gave him the container and start working with my shoes. It seems like he gave it to her ma than she left it unwashed in the sink. He started to pissed and yell at her ma. And her ma blame him. Then he blame me for not washing the container because I'm the one who eat the tiramisu. I was pissed because he blame me for that. Hey, I won't be mad if it's really my fault, but he said that he's the one who gonna wash it!
And when I started to get pissed, his ma came to the room that I use (the only safe place in this hell hole she called home), and start saying that I didn't love her son and her son become a brat because of me! WHAT THE HELL?! I was really surprised that time.
Well... he's a spoiled brat from the beginning, AND THAT'S HIS PARENTS FAULT! It's so not fair that I always have to be the one who get blame. I might be 16 now and it means that I have to be mature. LIKE HELL I WOULD CARE! I am mature in my own way.
This is so not fair. When I act maturely, people start saying that my parents have taken my childhood. But when I act childishly, people start yelling at me telling me to grow up. What are they really want?
Around them, I could never be who I really am. With my family around, being me is almost impossible. I could only be me in front of my friends in comic rent and some others in other cities.
They might not realize what they've done to me, because they didn't really care about me. They might not realize so much pain that they caused, because they are no where near me. They might think that I'm strong, because I always have the smile and the laughter.
But the truth? I'm bleeding inside. Doesn't matter how much tears I've shed, the pain won't go away. The pain that they caused are so great that it doesn't matter how loud I scream, the pain would still hurt me real bad. I've run as fast as I could, but the pain still there.
It's just hurt for not being able to be who we really are. But it'll hurt even more when you realize that you don't even know who you are. It's just hurt...
And when I finally finished eating that cursed tiramisu, I gave him the container and start working with my shoes. It seems like he gave it to her ma than she left it unwashed in the sink. He started to pissed and yell at her ma. And her ma blame him. Then he blame me for not washing the container because I'm the one who eat the tiramisu. I was pissed because he blame me for that. Hey, I won't be mad if it's really my fault, but he said that he's the one who gonna wash it!
And when I started to get pissed, his ma came to the room that I use (the only safe place in this hell hole she called home), and start saying that I didn't love her son and her son become a brat because of me! WHAT THE HELL?! I was really surprised that time.
Well... he's a spoiled brat from the beginning, AND THAT'S HIS PARENTS FAULT! It's so not fair that I always have to be the one who get blame. I might be 16 now and it means that I have to be mature. LIKE HELL I WOULD CARE! I am mature in my own way.
This is so not fair. When I act maturely, people start saying that my parents have taken my childhood. But when I act childishly, people start yelling at me telling me to grow up. What are they really want?
Around them, I could never be who I really am. With my family around, being me is almost impossible. I could only be me in front of my friends in comic rent and some others in other cities.
They might not realize what they've done to me, because they didn't really care about me. They might not realize so much pain that they caused, because they are no where near me. They might think that I'm strong, because I always have the smile and the laughter.
But the truth? I'm bleeding inside. Doesn't matter how much tears I've shed, the pain won't go away. The pain that they caused are so great that it doesn't matter how loud I scream, the pain would still hurt me real bad. I've run as fast as I could, but the pain still there.
It's just hurt for not being able to be who we really are. But it'll hurt even more when you realize that you don't even know who you are. It's just hurt...
Second Day (Part One)
Second day being 16 is nothing than more than a disaster. My brother are currently yelling at me, telling me to use my brain. The reason is because I want to go to jakarta today. And there must be traffic jam if I insist. But does he has to yell at me like that?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
16 Years
16 years ago I was born,
16 years I've seen the world
16 years has passed,
But I haven't find the true happines
16 years old I am now,
The year where I have to be mature
16 years of laughing,
16 years of crying
16 years with joy and happiness,
16 years with pain and sadness
16 years of my live,
16 years of my story
16 years I've seen the world
16 years has passed,
But I haven't find the true happines
16 years old I am now,
The year where I have to be mature
16 years of laughing,
16 years of crying
16 years with joy and happiness,
16 years with pain and sadness
16 years of my live,
16 years of my story
Not-so-happy B'day
Yesterday there was some sort of farewell party in my school and I have to be the MC. So, I have to stay in school from 8 a.m. The party it self start at 5.30 p.m. Pretty tough, huh? Well the teacher allow me to go home for about 1 hour to prepare my self for the party. Knowing that my aunt place is way to far, I decided to go to my comic rent so I can take a bath.
Maybe it sounds kinda weird, but that's the truth. Well, since i'm a gamer, I didn't need a lot of time to take a bath and prepare my self. I think it only take around 15 minutes to do it. Since I still have around 45 minutes left, I decided to continue my game. For some people, playing game for 45 minutes may seems awkward. But as a gamer, 45 minutes will be a waste if you didn't use it to play.
Anyway, when the clock strike at 4 p.m. I have to head back to school. The party has not start yet, but I have to be there for a quick meeting.
When the party started, first thing that crossed in my mind is i'm dead. I'm so dead. That's because I have the whole stage for my self and I was way to nervous to think about what I should say. In other word, last night is really a mess. And the party that supposed to end at 9.30 p.m. somehow ended up at 10.30 p.m. It might be a mess, but somehow I enjoy it.
I'm tired and I didn't have enough sleep. And just to make it worse, my friend text me in the middle of the night.
I was starting to pissed of that time, but then when I read the text, that anger is gone. That's just a short text. Saying a happy b'day. At that time, all the bad things seems like nothing. All I could feel is a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. And even though I hate to be waken in the middle of the night, that one is really special.
Well, I have to be waken 4 times in a row for the same kind of message.
It's pretty obvious that I ain't got enough sleep cause when I wake up, my head is pounding pretty hard. But since I got a test, I have no choice except to in out there and live my life. Done with the test, i'm heading to my comic rent to play Kingdom Heart 2. I somehow manage to finish it before the sun set. But before I could celebrate it, my brother call and practically yelling at me to get to the hotel because my aunt want to celebrate my bday.
And after that, everything is practically ruin. Stripper's mom keep joking around about stuff. Saying that i'm not supposed to put that kind of face on my bday.
Like hell I would listen to her! How am I supposed to put an un-annoyed face when i'm annoyed! And she just way to dense to realize that she's the reason why I look so annoyed.
And that's conclude my not-so-happy bday!
Maybe it sounds kinda weird, but that's the truth. Well, since i'm a gamer, I didn't need a lot of time to take a bath and prepare my self. I think it only take around 15 minutes to do it. Since I still have around 45 minutes left, I decided to continue my game. For some people, playing game for 45 minutes may seems awkward. But as a gamer, 45 minutes will be a waste if you didn't use it to play.
Anyway, when the clock strike at 4 p.m. I have to head back to school. The party has not start yet, but I have to be there for a quick meeting.
When the party started, first thing that crossed in my mind is i'm dead. I'm so dead. That's because I have the whole stage for my self and I was way to nervous to think about what I should say. In other word, last night is really a mess. And the party that supposed to end at 9.30 p.m. somehow ended up at 10.30 p.m. It might be a mess, but somehow I enjoy it.
I'm tired and I didn't have enough sleep. And just to make it worse, my friend text me in the middle of the night.
I was starting to pissed of that time, but then when I read the text, that anger is gone. That's just a short text. Saying a happy b'day. At that time, all the bad things seems like nothing. All I could feel is a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. And even though I hate to be waken in the middle of the night, that one is really special.
Well, I have to be waken 4 times in a row for the same kind of message.
It's pretty obvious that I ain't got enough sleep cause when I wake up, my head is pounding pretty hard. But since I got a test, I have no choice except to in out there and live my life. Done with the test, i'm heading to my comic rent to play Kingdom Heart 2. I somehow manage to finish it before the sun set. But before I could celebrate it, my brother call and practically yelling at me to get to the hotel because my aunt want to celebrate my bday.
And after that, everything is practically ruin. Stripper's mom keep joking around about stuff. Saying that i'm not supposed to put that kind of face on my bday.
Like hell I would listen to her! How am I supposed to put an un-annoyed face when i'm annoyed! And she just way to dense to realize that she's the reason why I look so annoyed.
And that's conclude my not-so-happy bday!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
First, Second, Third, and...
O...kay...
Let me tell u a story about a girl who have to stay with her aunt.
Once upon a time, in the eastern side of Bandung, there lived a girl who have to live with her aunt. No, her parents is still alive. You be wondering why she had to live with her aunt. The reason is actually pretty simple. She moved to Bandung in order to continue her study to a higher degree. And since she barely 15 when she moved to Bandung, she has no choice except to stay with her.
As the day went by, her live starting to get worse...Her belonging that she bought with the money that she has. First a RAZER Moray headset (400k IDR), second her V-Pet (350k IDR), third Memory card for PS 2 (not even close to 60k IDR), and the last one is her Oral-B toothbrush (LESS than 20k IDR).
Live is not so fair for her. But there's nothing that she can do. She's beg the God but there's nothing happened. Day passed and nothing had change. Until one day, her father came and told her to move out with her brother.
BUT WILL IT BE POSSIBLE???
Let me tell u a story about a girl who have to stay with her aunt.
Once upon a time, in the eastern side of Bandung, there lived a girl who have to live with her aunt. No, her parents is still alive. You be wondering why she had to live with her aunt. The reason is actually pretty simple. She moved to Bandung in order to continue her study to a higher degree. And since she barely 15 when she moved to Bandung, she has no choice except to stay with her.
As the day went by, her live starting to get worse...Her belonging that she bought with the money that she has. First a RAZER Moray headset (400k IDR), second her V-Pet (350k IDR), third Memory card for PS 2 (not even close to 60k IDR), and the last one is her Oral-B toothbrush (LESS than 20k IDR).
Live is not so fair for her. But there's nothing that she can do. She's beg the God but there's nothing happened. Day passed and nothing had change. Until one day, her father came and told her to move out with her brother.
BUT WILL IT BE POSSIBLE???
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Score
Okay, exams is almost over and I still haven't got any will to open my book and start studying. It's always like that since the first day. Tomorrow is the last day and I still have no will. People call me weird for that. I mean for not studying for the exams. Hey, no offense, but what's the point of studying stuff that you didn't even want and need at all?
You might be wondering about my score. To be honest, they're not as bad as I imagine. As far, math is the worst one. I only manage to get 62 in that. And I kinda surprise that I manage to get 94 in the local language study. I mean, I'm not even from this place and I manage to get the highest score in my class? GET REAL!
When I got the result. I was so shock that I had to smack my self to make sure that I'm not dreaming. And when I said I smack my head, I really mean it.
Anyway... I gotta go now.
I'll post another post about my usual live as soon as possible.
BYE!
You might be wondering about my score. To be honest, they're not as bad as I imagine. As far, math is the worst one. I only manage to get 62 in that. And I kinda surprise that I manage to get 94 in the local language study. I mean, I'm not even from this place and I manage to get the highest score in my class? GET REAL!
When I got the result. I was so shock that I had to smack my self to make sure that I'm not dreaming. And when I said I smack my head, I really mean it.
Anyway... I gotta go now.
I'll post another post about my usual live as soon as possible.
BYE!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
I've Been Thinking About Something
Hiya... I just got back from a school program called CSW (Community Study Work) two days ago. I have a lot of fun in there. I do. And in that place, I was given some times to think about stuffs, mostly about my live.
At that time, we're staying at the villager house. I got no problem with that, but I'm really glad when I know that they're so welcoming. To be honest, it has been around six months that I lost the sense of being home. I mean, now that I currently staying at my aunt place, I realize that I never become a part of her family.
I'm not sure... but there's some sort of barrier between me and the other. A barrier that I haven't been able to walk through. People said that I'm a cheerful person. Someone who seems like she doesn't have any problem to think about. They might be right. But that's not the truth. That's not me. That's just the surface... the skin... the mask...
I know that I'm the one who make that impression, but I kinda hope that they could see the person who's hiding behind those fake smiles. It hurts to keep smiling. But if I don't, I could not see their smile.
I often think that it is okay for me to get hurt, as long as they didn't have to feel it. Then a good friend of mine came and told me that I was way too kind. When I heard that, all I could do is giving her a sad smile and telling her that I have no choice. At that time, she shook her head and called me a moron. I am not surprised when I heard that.I might be a foolish for making such a decision, but for me, it's ok to be hurt as long as those who I care about keep smiling.
Okay, back to the CSW thingy. At that time, the owner of the house that I stayed in, said that I'm a cheerful girl. I almost burst in to tear and tell her who am I really are. But I can't, can I? I mean, telling her the truth would only break her heart and I only have one more day left in there.
After I go back from Pangalengan, I go back to my boring live. Leaving my family in there, facing the strangers in back here.
At that time, we're staying at the villager house. I got no problem with that, but I'm really glad when I know that they're so welcoming. To be honest, it has been around six months that I lost the sense of being home. I mean, now that I currently staying at my aunt place, I realize that I never become a part of her family.
I'm not sure... but there's some sort of barrier between me and the other. A barrier that I haven't been able to walk through. People said that I'm a cheerful person. Someone who seems like she doesn't have any problem to think about. They might be right. But that's not the truth. That's not me. That's just the surface... the skin... the mask...
I know that I'm the one who make that impression, but I kinda hope that they could see the person who's hiding behind those fake smiles. It hurts to keep smiling. But if I don't, I could not see their smile.
I often think that it is okay for me to get hurt, as long as they didn't have to feel it. Then a good friend of mine came and told me that I was way too kind. When I heard that, all I could do is giving her a sad smile and telling her that I have no choice. At that time, she shook her head and called me a moron. I am not surprised when I heard that.I might be a foolish for making such a decision, but for me, it's ok to be hurt as long as those who I care about keep smiling.
Okay, back to the CSW thingy. At that time, the owner of the house that I stayed in, said that I'm a cheerful girl. I almost burst in to tear and tell her who am I really are. But I can't, can I? I mean, telling her the truth would only break her heart and I only have one more day left in there.
After I go back from Pangalengan, I go back to my boring live. Leaving my family in there, facing the strangers in back here.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Game is On!
Okay, I'm terribly sorry for not writing for such a long time. But before you decided to kill me or anything, I'll have to tell you about my reason. Okay, here's the story:
Two weeks ago, I was really stressed with the wall magazine competition (which we won, by the way) and the story that I'm working on. Well, since I have to finish the story before reaching the deadline, I was working on the story like a madman. And because of that, I kinda have to cut my connection with the world for a while. When the deadline is already in front of my eyes, I made one of the craziest decision in my live, I end the first part with a freakin' cliff hanger that everyone love and hate in the same time.
After a few days living with anxiety, the time to give a "brief" presentation about my story has finally come. Most of my friends who have done the presentation only have to spend around 20 minutes for the presentation and Q&A session with my teacher. But when it's time for my turn, I have to talk at least 20 to 25 minutes about the story and another 10-15 minutes for the Q&A session. And just to make it worse, in the middle of my presentation, the head master of my school came to that room. Then my tummy start rumbling. Not because of the presentation nor the head master, it's more because of my sensitive tummy. Anyway, after tortured around 45 minutes by my teacher, I ask my teacher about my score. And she told me that I could get a perfect score IF I gave her the second part of my story by the end of May.
Well...that's what happen. To be honest, I kinda doubt my self whether I could finished the story on time or not. Because I kinda run out of idea, and Usagi-nii is way too busy with his exam, and Eiko is WAYYYYYYY too far.
OH GAWD!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Two weeks ago, I was really stressed with the wall magazine competition (which we won, by the way) and the story that I'm working on. Well, since I have to finish the story before reaching the deadline, I was working on the story like a madman. And because of that, I kinda have to cut my connection with the world for a while. When the deadline is already in front of my eyes, I made one of the craziest decision in my live, I end the first part with a freakin' cliff hanger that everyone love and hate in the same time.
After a few days living with anxiety, the time to give a "brief" presentation about my story has finally come. Most of my friends who have done the presentation only have to spend around 20 minutes for the presentation and Q&A session with my teacher. But when it's time for my turn, I have to talk at least 20 to 25 minutes about the story and another 10-15 minutes for the Q&A session. And just to make it worse, in the middle of my presentation, the head master of my school came to that room. Then my tummy start rumbling. Not because of the presentation nor the head master, it's more because of my sensitive tummy. Anyway, after tortured around 45 minutes by my teacher, I ask my teacher about my score. And she told me that I could get a perfect score IF I gave her the second part of my story by the end of May.
Well...that's what happen. To be honest, I kinda doubt my self whether I could finished the story on time or not. Because I kinda run out of idea, and Usagi-nii is way too busy with his exam, and Eiko is WAYYYYYYY too far.
OH GAWD!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
What's the Point?
I just don't get it. Why in the world I decided to go to Jakarta in the first place?
What's the point anyway? I mean I already now that they'll deserted me and stuff, but why I still coming to Jakarta. Knowing that it'll only hurt me, but I still coming. What an idiot. All I want is spending some time with them. With my family. But guess what? I always ended up alone all by my side.
It really hurt, but what hurt me more is none of them even bother to play with me. Seeing them playing with the other hurt me even more. Call me selfish if you want, but that's the truth.
What's the point anyway? I mean I already now that they'll deserted me and stuff, but why I still coming to Jakarta. Knowing that it'll only hurt me, but I still coming. What an idiot. All I want is spending some time with them. With my family. But guess what? I always ended up alone all by my side.
It really hurt, but what hurt me more is none of them even bother to play with me. Seeing them playing with the other hurt me even more. Call me selfish if you want, but that's the truth.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
ATTENTION!!! IT'S ABOUT THE STORY!
I told someone about my story and if said that he wanna read it (the story is called 'Game On [!]' by the way). I gave him my blog address so he can read it. BUT, I made such an idiotic mistake, I gave him THIS blog address, not the one with the story.
So, if you're THAT GUY, or you actually wanna read it, here's the address of the blog WITH the story:
marcsmoves.blogspot.com
Okay, I think that's all. Sorry for my idiotic mistake.
Nite.
P.S: if you got anything to say about the story or anything just email me (peewee_bintang@yahoo.co.id / peeweebintang@gmail.com) or text me/call me (081944243300). I'll be looking forward! ^^
So, if you're THAT GUY, or you actually wanna read it, here's the address of the blog WITH the story:
marcsmoves.blogspot.com
Okay, I think that's all. Sorry for my idiotic mistake.
Nite.
P.S: if you got anything to say about the story or anything just email me (peewee_bintang@yahoo.co.id / peeweebintang@gmail.com) or text me/call me (081944243300). I'll be looking forward! ^^
Lack of Sleep
Ok, here's the thing, I went to Jakarta yesterday with a headache along the way. I somehow manage not to lose my sanity by using my insane friend as the anchor of my sanity. Weird, huh? But that is the truth. And since I have the back row all for my self, I decided to lay down and try to sleep. I thought I could easily fall asleep since I barely stay awake few minutes before that.
Well...seems like I was wrong. I did manage to get some sleep. But only for a few minutes and I ended up having a sore body caused by accidentally sleeping on a pairs of seatbelts. So instead of sleeping, I decided to read the story that I'm currently working on but get stuck again in no time. I honestly run out of idea and I can't figure out what should I write next. And since sleeping and working on the story is not gonna work, the only choice left for me was editing my story.
I do love to write, but I honestly have editing stuff. Why? Because I'm a type person who didn't really pay any intention to the detail.
Anyway I decided to sleep at my cousins place. It was around 11 p.m when I told my cousin not to sleep too late. Guess what? I'm the one who ended up sleeping even later than her. I can finaly manage to fall asleep around 3 in the morning and since I'm having trouble sleeping lately, I was awaken by my cousin when he woke up. My head really hurts when I realise that it still around six. Believe it or not, if you want me in the best shape, I need to sleep at least 8 hours. So I think you can imagine how I felt.
Well...seems like I was wrong. I did manage to get some sleep. But only for a few minutes and I ended up having a sore body caused by accidentally sleeping on a pairs of seatbelts. So instead of sleeping, I decided to read the story that I'm currently working on but get stuck again in no time. I honestly run out of idea and I can't figure out what should I write next. And since sleeping and working on the story is not gonna work, the only choice left for me was editing my story.
I do love to write, but I honestly have editing stuff. Why? Because I'm a type person who didn't really pay any intention to the detail.
Anyway I decided to sleep at my cousins place. It was around 11 p.m when I told my cousin not to sleep too late. Guess what? I'm the one who ended up sleeping even later than her. I can finaly manage to fall asleep around 3 in the morning and since I'm having trouble sleeping lately, I was awaken by my cousin when he woke up. My head really hurts when I realise that it still around six. Believe it or not, if you want me in the best shape, I need to sleep at least 8 hours. So I think you can imagine how I felt.
Friday, March 11, 2011
She's Dense. REALLY DENSE!!!
Just to make it clear, I hate my aunt. I hate that bitch. Reason? I got thousands of them.
Here's some of my favourite:
1. Everything that I do is nothing more than a mistake
2. She can't do anything right
3. She thinks that her son, Mr. Stripper, is a PERFECT example on how a kid should be
4. She turn her son into an annoying, stubborn, cry baby, spoiled, and alive brat
5. She'd do anything to please her son
6. She keeps telling me about stuff she didn't even know better than me and even think that i'm the one who didn't know about that stuff
7. She keeps telling me things that even she can't do
8. She thinks that i'm just a kids that didn't know a single thing
9. She force me to think that she's better than me on everything
10. She used me as a scapegoat
The list would go on and on and on and on because I didn't like her. AT ALL.
Call me mean or anything that you want, but once you put your self on my shoes, you'll understand why I hate her.
Here's some of my favourite:
1. Everything that I do is nothing more than a mistake
2. She can't do anything right
3. She thinks that her son, Mr. Stripper, is a PERFECT example on how a kid should be
4. She turn her son into an annoying, stubborn, cry baby, spoiled, and alive brat
5. She'd do anything to please her son
6. She keeps telling me about stuff she didn't even know better than me and even think that i'm the one who didn't know about that stuff
7. She keeps telling me things that even she can't do
8. She thinks that i'm just a kids that didn't know a single thing
9. She force me to think that she's better than me on everything
10. She used me as a scapegoat
The list would go on and on and on and on because I didn't like her. AT ALL.
Call me mean or anything that you want, but once you put your self on my shoes, you'll understand why I hate her.
Cruelity of the World, the Bitterness of Live
Everyone(okay, maybe not everyone, but lots of people) knew that live is not always about having fun. Live is up and down. Unpredictable. We knew that the world is not always kind to us, that the live is not always sweet.
To be honest, I often act like i'm a tough one, like nothing could break me. I often think that I knew the cruelity of the world as well as the bitterness of live. But then, today I realized that I actually didn't know them. Today I learn about something. Something we thought we already know so well that we think it won't shock us if it's happen to use. Yes, i'm talking about them. About the cruelity of the world, and the bitterness of live.
A kid I might be, I may not as naive as the other, but i'm still naive. My father call me a few moments ago, asking me about my plan to Jakarta. Then, he asked me about my aunt text to my grandma. She said that I often ask for money from her. Up to 3 times a week.
I stunned when I heard that. I NEVER ask for money, even if I do, I pay her back. But she didn't want to accept them. And even if you count that as 'asking for money from her', I didn't even ask her that often!
And what shock me even more is that she said those things to my grandma is just because she want to borrow some money from her.
FYI, she even borrow 500k from me and haven't even return all of them. For me, the money is not the main problem. I do need money, but I don't care if she didn't return them to me. What I really care is about my pride. I don't wanna know how my family would see me now.
I just don't get it.
Is she really that desperate for money?
To be honest, I often act like i'm a tough one, like nothing could break me. I often think that I knew the cruelity of the world as well as the bitterness of live. But then, today I realized that I actually didn't know them. Today I learn about something. Something we thought we already know so well that we think it won't shock us if it's happen to use. Yes, i'm talking about them. About the cruelity of the world, and the bitterness of live.
A kid I might be, I may not as naive as the other, but i'm still naive. My father call me a few moments ago, asking me about my plan to Jakarta. Then, he asked me about my aunt text to my grandma. She said that I often ask for money from her. Up to 3 times a week.
I stunned when I heard that. I NEVER ask for money, even if I do, I pay her back. But she didn't want to accept them. And even if you count that as 'asking for money from her', I didn't even ask her that often!
And what shock me even more is that she said those things to my grandma is just because she want to borrow some money from her.
FYI, she even borrow 500k from me and haven't even return all of them. For me, the money is not the main problem. I do need money, but I don't care if she didn't return them to me. What I really care is about my pride. I don't wanna know how my family would see me now.
I just don't get it.
Is she really that desperate for money?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Still No Sign
Still can't find any sign of my cell phone nor the idea how to get a new one...
Haahh... I hope everything would be better from now on.
Haahh... I hope everything would be better from now on.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I Miss You Sweety... TT.TT
It's not a person. It's my cell phone. Yes. I lost him...
Losing my cell phone means cutting ALMOST all the connection that I have to the world. No offense, but hey, I live with my aunt who lived in the middle of nowhere! And it also means that I could hardly contact my brother, Asch, Sora, and Usagi-nii. Just thinking about it really makes me wanna cry TT^TT
Here's what happened:
It was a beautiful Saturday, where I accompany my brother looking for a gift for his dearest GF. And since I'm a good kid, I decided to buy my brother and his GF a present for their birthday. Everything went well. Then I go separate ways with my brother. I was going to comic rent that time. When I arrived, I use my flash disk (which was attached to my cell phone) to transfer my story to the computer in there so I could post in in my other blog (you should read it in: ). Everything went well until I go back to my aunt place and realize that my cell phone is not in my jeans pocket. I though I left it in the comic rent, so I am not worried. But then, when I come the next day, the owner told me that he didn't see my cell phone. And I was like, "HOLLY SHIT! Is that mean I accidentally drop it in my way home?". Extremly worried, I tried to call my cell phone, but I am not surprise when I can't reach it.
Well... that's the story of me and my cell phone. I just hope that he could find a better place wherever he was. Hiks... TT^TT
Losing my cell phone means cutting ALMOST all the connection that I have to the world. No offense, but hey, I live with my aunt who lived in the middle of nowhere! And it also means that I could hardly contact my brother, Asch, Sora, and Usagi-nii. Just thinking about it really makes me wanna cry TT^TT
Here's what happened:
It was a beautiful Saturday, where I accompany my brother looking for a gift for his dearest GF. And since I'm a good kid, I decided to buy my brother and his GF a present for their birthday. Everything went well. Then I go separate ways with my brother. I was going to comic rent that time. When I arrived, I use my flash disk (which was attached to my cell phone) to transfer my story to the computer in there so I could post in in my other blog (you should read it in: ). Everything went well until I go back to my aunt place and realize that my cell phone is not in my jeans pocket. I though I left it in the comic rent, so I am not worried. But then, when I come the next day, the owner told me that he didn't see my cell phone. And I was like, "HOLLY SHIT! Is that mean I accidentally drop it in my way home?". Extremly worried, I tried to call my cell phone, but I am not surprise when I can't reach it.
Well... that's the story of me and my cell phone. I just hope that he could find a better place wherever he was. Hiks... TT^TT
Monday, January 10, 2011
Fucking Teacher - Challenging Ass - Passion - Target
Hmm... I hate that fucking teacher. I'm sure about that. I just wanna be honest by telling him that I'm handling the subject just fine until he start pushing me over the limit by trying to state that I am not capable with the subject. And as you might already guess, I rather die than showing him what he actually want. So I don't really now what the heck is happening all I know is both of us is start yelling to one another and at the end, when he lost with my argument, he start telling me not to raise my voice to a teacher like that. Well... I won't raise my voice to the ones that I respect as a teacher or some sort of it. But him? I would NEVER respect him like one of them. A kid I might be, but I'm gonna let my voice out to what I believe is right. If he think that he would say yes to what I do not believe, he make such a damn mistake!
Anyway, one of my respected teacher ask me and my friend to make an article about water for the future. I kinda get the idea to write about the energy that we could use from the water. The idea is actually given by a friend of mind. So I start to write down the point of what I'm trying to write. But then, before I even finish writting half of my whole idea, I realize that I lost my passion to write. Or at least the passion is not as strong as how it was back than.
I don't know whether it's because of the topic or what. All I know is I didn't really enjoy writting as much as I did. I was kinda hoping that the passion would grow stronger in no time. But until that time, who know?
Anyway, one of my respected teacher ask me and my friend to make an article about water for the future. I kinda get the idea to write about the energy that we could use from the water. The idea is actually given by a friend of mind. So I start to write down the point of what I'm trying to write. But then, before I even finish writting half of my whole idea, I realize that I lost my passion to write. Or at least the passion is not as strong as how it was back than.
I don't know whether it's because of the topic or what. All I know is I didn't really enjoy writting as much as I did. I was kinda hoping that the passion would grow stronger in no time. But until that time, who know?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hear My Prayer(?)
'...people always tell me that this's part of the plan, that God got everybody in his hand, but I can only pray that God is listening. Is he listening?...'
That one belongs to 'The World is Black' by Good Charlotte. I think that song is the perfect one for my condition. I kinda hope that I don't have to go to school today, and seems like that the God really hear my prayer, I was kinda happy. But the problem is, my friend text me just a while ago. Telling me that our scedule has change. And since i'm leaving for bandung tomorrow (which means I'll enter the school at friday), my friend told me that we're gonna have history for the first and second hour.
I have to tell you that I like history, but not the teacher. To be honest, he's SUCK! And just to make it worse, he also gonna be the replacement teacher for sosiology.
At that time I kinda get the feeling that this's my punishment from the God for not entering the school tomorrow and today.
That one belongs to 'The World is Black' by Good Charlotte. I think that song is the perfect one for my condition. I kinda hope that I don't have to go to school today, and seems like that the God really hear my prayer, I was kinda happy. But the problem is, my friend text me just a while ago. Telling me that our scedule has change. And since i'm leaving for bandung tomorrow (which means I'll enter the school at friday), my friend told me that we're gonna have history for the first and second hour.
I have to tell you that I like history, but not the teacher. To be honest, he's SUCK! And just to make it worse, he also gonna be the replacement teacher for sosiology.
At that time I kinda get the feeling that this's my punishment from the God for not entering the school tomorrow and today.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Do I have To?
January 4th is here and tomorrow the school start. I like my school. I do like it.But still, I get this kinda lazy feeling I always felt whenever the school about to start. I won't mind coming to school tomorrow, but the idea of having math for the first day of school after a week of vacation is doesn't sound good to me. Not at all to be honest.
I have to admit that I want to skip school tomorrow. I was way too lazy to get my ass back to Bandung. I've text my friends that in case I don't come to school tomorrow, that would be because I'm still in Jakarta. Hmm... skipping school doesn't seems to be a good way to start a new year.
Oh God! It's such a hard decision to make! I still wanna have my vacation! I still wanna play with my cousins! I still wanna sleep lazily in bed!
But in the other hand, I also wanna go to school! I wanna meet my school family! I wanna do some idiotic stuffs with them!
What should I choose!
I have to admit that I want to skip school tomorrow. I was way too lazy to get my ass back to Bandung. I've text my friends that in case I don't come to school tomorrow, that would be because I'm still in Jakarta. Hmm... skipping school doesn't seems to be a good way to start a new year.
Oh God! It's such a hard decision to make! I still wanna have my vacation! I still wanna play with my cousins! I still wanna sleep lazily in bed!
But in the other hand, I also wanna go to school! I wanna meet my school family! I wanna do some idiotic stuffs with them!
What should I choose!
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