The Anti-Social Me (?)

Okay, when I was thinking about how I lonely I am in the school. How people didn't really care whether I came or not. Whether I exist or not. It is plainly hurt when I realize that they all have their own group in their own world, and me? I guess I'm not part of their world.

Telling them how much it hurt for me to see them laughing together would only make them think that I am selfish. And once they are sure that I am selfish, I have doubt that the door to their world will be eternally closed for me.

I often tell myself that I will be perfectly okay even if I am alone. But things are not as simple as how they used to be. I mean, back when I still in the elementary and junior high, even though I don't really have any friend, not including my unrelated-by-blood-family, when I came back from school, my house feels like it's welcoming me. I mean, everytime I came, I never feel like I'm alone.

But now that I'm moving out to Bandung and lived together with my brother, I feel kinda depressed. The reason is really simple. Because I am alone. Whenever I get back from school, I only came to an empty house. Even though I lived with my brother, we seldom spent time together. It is not easy for me to accept the fact, but it'll be even harder for me for not to accepting the fact.

Anyway, my classmates in school will celebrate their birthday. I got invited. But... I don't feel like going. I know that it is impolite to reject them like that, but if I come, I'll ended up alone like a fool in the party. Especially Florence's party. I have no doubt that she'll make a party that A lot more grander that last year party.

No offense, but I didn't really get it. Why did they bother to spent so much money on something like that? I know that it'll probably sounds weird for a teenager to not wanting a birthday party. Especially the sweet seventeen birthday party. To be honest, I don't want it. All I want is sitting together with those whom I love and just eat some home made food. I won't say no to cake and ice cream thought.

Anyway, I have to admit that I am different from most of the people in my school (not a big surprise since I fit with no group). I can even say that some of them think that I am a semi-anti-social. Well, I can't blame them for that. I do make some spaces in purpose. But that's because I do not want to get hurt anymore, not because I want to be alone.