I Don't Even Understand Who I Really Am...

I never wished to be alone,
yet I often find my self alone.

I wished for someone that could understand me,
yet I am way too afraid to open my heart.



I never really understand my self. People often said that I am a warm person, but once I act cold, they intend to say that hey didn't know me. Once they said that, deep in my heart, I laugh as hard as I could. And I am not laughing because it's funny. I laugh because the irony behind their words. I mean, it is not a big surprise that they didn't know me! After all, I, my self, didn't really know who I really am.

I know that... I often push people around. I have my reason for that. Walking in the egg shell, making a wall between, digging a trench. I do those kind of things because I don't want to get hurt. Not again, not ever. I do realize once I did those kind of things, people will make some distance. In one hand, it's a good thing because I won't get hurt if something happened to them. But in the other hand, it's killing me for not having many friends.

Hurt? Yes.
Lonely? Absolutely.

I do not wish to make too much contact with them, knowing that they'll hurt me eventually. Yet, I also need friends that I could talk to whenever I'm lonely, having trouble, or when I just want to talk. I do realize that having a 24-hour-a-day friend is plainly impossible and it is an absolute selfishness.

But then, aren't human the most selfish being in the world?
Is it wrong for me to think like that?