I'm feeling lost...

Did I ever told you about my problem? The one about my family?
Well... I've told you that I often feel like I'm alone in the crowd?

Actually, it's happen again last night.
That time I was in Bandung with my Ma, My Aunt, My Grand Ma, Dina (My cousin), Bari (Dina's little brother), Mas Isak (Their driver), and My Brother.

Anyway, Me, My Ma and Mas Isak were driving to the place where I rented a room to take some of my belonging. That's go pretty smooth if you didn't mention that we go to the wrong turn. After that we met up at a family restaurant.

I don't know what's gotten in to me, but that day I feel so gloomy. At that time, all I want is to meet my brother. I don't know how, but he always have something under his sleeves to make cheer me up.

But when we enter the family restaurant, I saw Dina sitting next to him. I know it sounds stupid and childish, but it seems like my world falling apart. I wanna yell and told her that he's my brother and she has no right to sit next to him.

I can't can I? When my tears were getting ready to come out, I said to my Grand Ma that I wanna go back to the car to have some sleep. I don't know whether she believe me or not, at leas she said yes. So I tell Mas Isak to open the car lock so I could sleep (or pretend to be sleep in this case). I cried in the car. I cried and I cried, again and again. I want to let go of all this pain, but I can't.

When I decided to text Asch so I could at least have someone to talk to, I realize that my phone is run out of credit. And it seems like I'm alone. Since there's nothing I can do, I take my binder from my bag and trying to write something. But before I can finish it, all of them were back from the restaurant. I wipe my tear and pretend that I just wake up. My brother shake everyone hands goodbye, since we're leaving to Jakarta again.

In the way bag to Jakarta, we stop in the hotel to take some of our belongings. Since I'm already done with my belongings, I sit next to Mas Isak and have a little chit chat about Dina and how she turns in to someone with a super awful mouth.


Anyway, in our way back to Jakarta, I wrote this while the other were asleep:

Again and again
That feeling comes to me

Hiding deep in my heart
In a secret place that no one know

Lying down and waiting
Waiting for the right time to end everything

Everything that exist and not
Everything including my self

I want to cry
But no tears were left

I want to scream
But I lost my voice

The feeling that comes and hurts me
The feeling that cause the pains
The feeling that I don't want to feel
The feeling that I hope I never know